Hammer Time - Correction

The staff has been most humbled by the need to correct information that it relayed to the mass of loyal and appreciative readers in yesterday's post. The House has selected Roy Blunt (R-MO) to replace Hot Tub Tom as the majority leader. It was to be initially Dreier (R-CA) but his secret life as a homosexual led them to reconsider. BTW if you happened to watch Larry King Live last night on CNN, it was a most entertaining episode. Ann Coulter was on, God only knows why, in full-on wild-eyed, hysterical psycho bitch mode. And another red faced Bush/DeLay/Frist etc. apologist was caught in a bald-faced lie. It just keeps getting better and better.

Hammer Time

YES!!!

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&u=/ap/20050928/ap_on_go_co/delay_investigation_17

And dearest of readers, it gets better. The man that will temporarily replace the slinger of roach repellant is GAY! Yippee! David Dreier (R-CA) has consistently voted against gay rights issues. Wow! This couldn't get any better. Imagine when this hits the news. Those right-wing whackjobs will be screaming bloody murder from the top of every church steeple from Dover, PA to Crawford, TX.

It's fun to watch the psychos go down, innit?

More Sick & Twisted Shit from Whacked-Out Christians

Your humble narrator is employed at a non-profit agency. Unfortunately, there are some blood-thirsty, Jesus-crazed folks there, too. I ain't a knockin' Jesus. No sirree! The problem is, is that in the age of W, Christianity, the real kind as found in the new testament of the Bible, simply does not exist. It has been co-opted by some seriously sick, twisted, deranged motherfuckers to advance their own narrow agenda and psychotic need to control others and enrich themselves. There is something admirable about these guys, because they recognize that many good people, raised on an at least weekly dose of Bible study and narcoticized church services, are incapable of thinking for themselves. So guys like Pat Robertson have been able to take advantage of this and amass quite a pile for themselves and their families.
So wait, where was I going with this, oh yeah, so these freaks at my workplace have forwarded the following e-mail around the entire agency. I am confident that come Monday morning there will be some trouble, although the person responsible for monitoring such misuse of the company e-mail will enforce the rules only grudgingly as she has proved in the past to be just such a person as described above. Here is the text:


Interesting Revelations about Katrina:
> >
> > The name Katrina means pure. The dictionary defines pure as ... free
>from
>
> >adulterants or impurities, free of dirt, defilement, or pollution,
> >containing nothing inappropriate or extraneous. It has been previously
> >stated that Katrina was a cleansing, a washing way for those cities &
> >states that have been known for sin. Calculated stats indicate that
> >Katrina hit almost 5 years to the date of 9/11. But to be a little more
> >exact it had been 1,814 days since 9/11. Here is what Revelations
>chapter
> >18, verses 14-19 (1814) says.
> >
> > Revelation 18:
> >
> >14: And the fruits that thy soul lusted after are departed from thee,
>and
> >all things which were dainty and goodly are departed from thee, and thou
> >shalt find them no more at all.
> >
> > 15: The merchants of these things, which were made rich by her, shall
> >stand afar off for the fear of her torment, weeping and wailing.
> >
> > ** Merchants are those who supported the sin. **
> >
> > 16: And saying, alas, alas that great city, that was clothed in fine
> >linen, and purple, and scarlet, and decked with gold, and precious
>stones,
>
> >and pearls!
> >
> > ** Purple & gold (The colors of Mardi Gras) **
> >
> > 17: For in one hour so great riches is come to nought. And every
> >shipmaster, and all the company in ships, and sailors, and as many as
> >trade by sea, stood afar off.
> >
> > ** One hour, about the length of time that Katrina stayed over New
> >Orleans. **
> >
> > 18: And cried when they saw the smoke of her burning, saying, What city
>is
>
> >like unto this great city!
> >
> > 19: And they cast dust on their heads, and cried, weeping and wailing,
> >saying, Alas, alas that great city, wherein were made rich all that had
> >ships in the sea by reason of her costliness! for in one hour is she made
> >desolate.
> >
> > Desolate - Devoid of inhabitants
> >
> > Devoid - Completely lacking; destitute or empty
> >
> > Inhabitant - One that inhabits a place, especially as a permanent
> >resident

Not only is this some seriously fucked-up shit, but the dipshit who made it all up has their facts wrong.
Let's see: 2005-2001= 4 not 5.
Uh, that pretty much throws those Revelations verses right on out the ol' proverbial window, doesn't it? I would think that these backwoods, tongue-speaking, snake charmers, while probably not into learnin', could do the simple math on their ten dirty little fingers. But then let's multiply 4 * 365. We get 1460. Although acid trips will last anywhere from 8 - 12 hours, I'd guess old Paul came down before he could write sixty verses of the 14th chapter of the Book of Revelations. I know, I checked my Bible.
And another thing, Bourbon St., undoubtedly the "sinful" part of the city, was not flooded out by Katrina. Indeed, many bars and restaurants never even closed. So what is one to make of that? I guess God ain't perfect cause he just plum missed his target.
There is only one thing to say to these fools: DUH.

Hotter Than a Hootenany

Hurricane Rita is headed this way and the forecasters are saying that Dallas will receive 3 - 5 inches of rainfall by Sunday morn accompanied by 60 mph wind gusts. That is gonna be kick ass! Especially since your humble narrator's backyard is abutted by a gully and the neighborhood is full of more and more McMansions that have eaten up all permeative surfaces. But these crazy fools down here just keep on a gettin' what they vote for. It is odd because it is currently 101 degrees with bright, punishing sunshine. Yee Ha!!! Speaking of which, I absolutely and totally believe this story:

http://www.nationalenquirer.com/celebrity/63426

Quote of the Day

Strippers suck. Unless you have cocaine and you're a lesbian.

- Wade. Your humble narrator's new neighbor, over a Shiner Bock and some obnoxiously strong retard weed. God help me...

Blast from the Past

"To the ordinary guy, all this is a bunch of gobbledygook. But out of the gobbledygook comes a very clear thing: you can't trust the government; you can't believe what they say; and you can't rely on their judgment. And the implicit infallibility of presidents, which has been an accepted thing in America, is badly hurt by this, because it shows that people do things the president wants to do even though it's wrong, and the president can be wrong."

- H.R. Haldeman to President Dick Nixon, June 14, 1971

It has to be somewhat modified to fit our current W. The last line would more accurately read:

...because it shows that the president does things that people (Dick, Rummy, Ariel Sharon, every major oil executive, etc.) want him to do even though it's wrong.

There, that's better. Now the quote fits the times.

Katrina

You know what has really struck the staff about this disaster? No, not the fact that a non-threat in the form of a bullshit war has sucked all of the money out of US coffers for this nightmare, but the use of the word refugees. That is what the flood victims are now being referred to as. What is the Astrodome, no it ain't a place where Earl Campbell runs right and left while Bum Phillips stalks the sidelines, it is now a refugee camp. Right here in America. And all of the attendant shit that goes with it. A black market - cigs $10 a pack and god knows what else; crime - there have been rapes and beatings; dead bodies all around!
Good job, W! Those tax cuts and your despicable, murderous rampage in the Middle East looks real good right now, don't it?
You motherfucker!
Fuck you!