Billy Blog Bob

Professor Brilliance

2007-01-27T19:38:00.000-06:00

Message to you, motherfucker!

Hello - Professor Brilliance:

Today my wife and I decided that we would go and grab a burger from one of the best franchise restaurants in the country, Hamburger Marys. We parked on a side street in Andersonville and began to walk across Clark St. to the place. I had my son, Benjamin, in the car seat and the street was clear so we entered the crosswalk. At this point some black woman in a white car gunned her vehicle out of her parking spot on the street and nearly hit myself and my son. I yelled at the stupid bitch and made a kicking motion backwards with my leg. Upon reaching the sidewalk, I heard "Yo, that's how you get your ass kicked!". I looked at the street and some guy in a gold car was yelling at me. I noticed that he had that dumb fucking blacktooth earpiece on and he yelled again, "Yo, that's how you get your ass kicked." I said do you see this, pointing to the car seat in my hand, this is my son, she almost hit me. Once again earpiece encumbered stupid fuck said "Yo that's how you get your ass kicked". I went there and said "I know you guys don't give a fuck about your kids, but you need to use some common sense and shut the fuck up". What did the jackass say - "Yo, that's how you get your ass kicked." All the guy could come up with - Yo that's how you get your ass kicked. Of course the guy just drove away. Was he the one that was going to give me said ass kicking? Fuck no. The guy was a little bitch. Take that fucking earpiece off and get you little-dicked ass outta the car and show me how the fuck I was gonna get my ass kicked, motherfucker!! I wanted to tell this stupid cromagnon motherfucker that the way you get your ass kicked is to sit in your car, with that retarded ear-piece on, watch someone almost run a man with his infant son in the crosswalk over and throw your gottdam two cents in! Shut. The. Fuck. Up. And. Mind. Your. Own! Don't AX someone how to get their ass kicked!, show 'em, if you gots any balls, bitch! Oh, was your humblest of all narrators pissed off. I am sick and tired of the ghettofab bullshit. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions. Be a goddam man!

2006-06-09T20:16:00.000-05:00

Sonic Youth - Death valley 69

Fucking Kick Ass!!!

THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST

2006-06-06T21:14:00.000-05:00

Today, well what's left of it anyway, was the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the century - 2006 in the Year of Our Lord Jesus Christ. It is a big day for the folks at 20th Century Fox as they hope to reap many a satanic dollar, with the release of the remake of the, if the trailers are any indication, truly awful Omen. Anyway, your humble narrator celebrated by placing the headphones over the ears so as not to disturb the wife and retreated into a world of teenage bliss and jammed out to the Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden. Ahhhhh, what a great song and after 24 years, it still sounds so kick ass!

It begins with a Vincent Price-esque quotation of the 18th verse of the 13th chapter of Revelations before getting into some extremely cheesy but great lyrics. What a great song!!! The lyrics in their entirety for your enjoyment. Try not to laugh too much.

"Woe to you, Oh Earth and Sea, for the Devil sends the beast
with wrath, because he knows the time is short...
Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast
for it is a human number, its number is Six hundred and sixty
six."

I left alone my mind was blank
I needed time to get the memories from my mind
What did I see can I believe that what I saw
that night was real and not just fantasy
Just what I saw in my old dreams were they
reflections of my warped mind staring back at me
Cos in my dreams it's always there the evil face that twists my mind
and brings me to despair

The night was black was no use holding back
Cos I just had to see was someone watching me
In the mist dark figures move and twist
was all this for real or some kind of hell

666 the Number of the Beast
Hell and fire was spawned to be released

Torches blazed and sacred chants were praised
as they start to cry hands held to the sky
In the night the fires burning bright
the ritual has begun Satan's work is done

666 the Number of the Beast
Sacrifice is going on tonight

This can't go on I must inform the law
Can this still be real or some crazy dream
but I feel drawn towards the evil chanting hordes
they seem to mesmerise me...can't avoid their eyes

666 the Number of the Beast
666 the one for you and me

I'm coming back I will return
And I'll possess your body and I'll make you burn
I have the fire I have the force
I have the power to make my evil take its course

Ahhhh, Just a Thought

2006-05-14T21:32:00.000-05:00

To be an orginator of ideas... that is the key. To be a consumer of ideas... a fucking monkey can do that. If you are a right-wingin' whacked-out nutjob, you ain't generatin' shit but shit! Think, do something good. That's all I'm a sayin'. Yeah, and please pass that can of Old Dutch. Golly, thanks.

Drowning in Black Goo

2006-04-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

Unless you live as an ostrich with your friggin' head in the sand, not Albertan or Venezuelan tar sands mind you, there won't be much of that left at some point, you may have noticed that folks are all up in arms about the price of gasoline. Everyone wants to blame Dick & W, Inc. NLC, and while you'd have to be a real idiot to not recognize that they don't really give a fuck, they shoulder very little of the blame here. You wanna know what you should do to find the culprit, take a look in the fuckin' mirror you dipshit! Keep on truckin' little Emma and Madison to their soccer games in your big stupid vehicle. Keep on drivin' one half of a mile to the local grocery when you should really get off of your morbidly obese ass and walk. Americans are lazy and addicted to not only oil, as our retarded frat-boy Prez so famously stated, they are obsessed, and I mean OCD-level obsessed, with their gottdam cars! Walk! Take the CTA! Ride a bicycle!
Change your ways. That's all your humble narrator has got to say at this point.
Oh, and please pass that last can of Genesee Cream Ale Light. Thanks.

Sir Frances Drake

2006-04-01T20:03:00.000-06:00

Pah nub the new FL album. There is a good buddy of mine that says that it's wrong to pirate albums. Yeah, you know what, it's wrong to cut into the bands' profits. Well, if they wanna provide their accountant's address on said band's website, I'll be more than happy to send 'em a check for $1.87 or whatever it is that each band earns from CD sales, but otherwise, in all honesty, I don't really give a fuck. If you wanna hock HP computers and such, then you really don't need my money, but I'll continue to enjoy your music because yins are one of the best bands out there. I don't know, it really all needs to to be put in to some sort of perspective, and that's the current rant.

GEE W BOOOSH

2006-03-15T20:41:00.000-06:00

Your humble narrator nearly choked with laughter upon his porridge whilst reading the latest Pew Research Center's poll about your President. The most pervasive one-word term used to describe W? Can you guess?

Incompetent wins with 29 percent of respondents characterizing the Prez thusly. I'd say that's fair. Unfortunately, there are still 23 percent of you freakin' idiots out there that describe him as being "good". HOWEVER, the next two are quite telling. They were probably the most appropriate in your most gracious of writer's opinion. Idiot and Liar.

Pissed Off, Disgusted, Scared

2006-03-13T18:59:00.000-06:00

Here's a new letter to the editor. I just got in the house and my heart is still racing:

Tonight as I was walking my dog, he is just a little fru fru dog, there was a woman walking her pit bull. When her dog saw mine, it barked and immediately pulled loose of this person, jumped up and bit my dog on the leg. I was fortunate enough to be able to pull my dog away from hers at the same time she was able to re-gain control of her dog. As a former owner of a pit bull mix, I always thought that the movement to ban the breed was bred by media hype and hysteria. My former dog became increasingly protective and aggressive toward other dogs and people to the point where it became impossible to allow anyone over to the house without taking great precautions. This dog had even passed the Anti-Cruelty Society's behavior tests and that is from where the dog was adopted. What happened to my dog was that she viciously attacked my girlfriend's father one afternoon and had to be put down. The woman tonight exclaimed that her dog was friendly and attempted to blame me for the incident We had a greatly heated exchange following my reaction to her truly ignorant statement. I would like to say to you, whoever you are, that your dog may have been friendly in the past, and may pose no threat whatsoever to you or your family. However, it is people such as yourself that are to blame for the obvious need to ban pit bulls and so called pit bull type dogs. You do a disservice to the dog and the community by taking on something that you are fundamentally incapable of being responsible for and that is why the only sad conclusion is to ban these dogs.

Humble Narrator
Chitown
(XXX) XXX-XXXX

That Pesky Term

2006-03-08T13:18:00.000-06:00

You humble narrator has, for some time now, been trying without success to get an explanation of the term "partial birth abortion" from various whackos and associated groups around the country. Inquiries have been made of TX senators, Ann Cunter and James Dobson. Perhaps the Christian Coalition will provide an explanation for the repeated reference to something that quite simply

Does.
Not.
Exist.

And if it does, and a description of it can be found in say... the New England Journal of Medicine, your most compliant of orators will eat a nice big helping of old crow.

-----Original Message-----
From: Narrator, Humble
Sent: Wednesday, March 08, 2006 1:02 PM
To: 'coalition@cc.org'
Subject: Inquiry from website

In what medical journal or peer reviewed paper can the term "partial birth abortion" be found? Further, which of these journals or peer reviewed papers provides a description of the procedure? Please provide your sources. Thanks.

Breakfast Munchies

2006-02-22T20:28:00.000-06:00

I noticed over at some other sites maintained by a coupla folks I know, namely Utch and Doom, that they have been doing a lotta cerealizing these days. (sorry, couldn't resist that awful pun) I figured I'd make this cutesy little vignette available for their dietary systems to which the consumption of whole grains and oats is rumoured to be quite beneficial. Here it is, but I ain't a gonna say where I got it because I'm really in quite the plagiaristic mood.

Lucky Charms

Top of the morning! Is it morning already? I've been out all night searching the sky for shooting stars. Oh, sorry. This is Maggie and Claire. We met at the pub last night. Talk about a wish come true! The bean counter at the end of the bar who grew up eating rows of Os went home alone. Why? Never learned to spot a four-leaf clover, never learned to trust his luck, never gets lucky! If you want grandchildren, let your wee tyke get his hands on shamrocks and rainbows sooner than later. If I had my way, rabbits' feet would be in the mix, too, but General Mills says it would scare the kiddies. Maggie's got a job interview later, so we're heading to the track to see if any of the ponies threw a shoe she can take along. Spare a splash of Jameson?

Dick

2006-02-12T18:52:00.000-06:00

That Dick is an evil, bloodthirsty man is hard to deny. I believe this incident stems from the fact that Dick never wanted to go and fight. He received what, like five deferments. But you can bet your dimpled Republican ass that Dick wants to shoot and kill people. As CEO of Dick & W Inc. NLC, he's got the blood of some 30,000 innocent people on his hands. But to be able to get up close, and see the blood, smell it. Dick suddenly experienced something that the ol' cowpoke hasn't had in 20 some years - an erection. The compulsion to whack off with the sweet red lubricant taken off of his bud's face must have been nearly impossible to deny. Too bad the press was watchin'. Sorry Dick.

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/11312757/

A Little List

2006-02-10T23:14:00.000-06:00

I love McSweeney's. They are a clever bunch. Here's a list of their seasonal colours. Very neato.

Asian bird flu gray
Clandestine surveillance white
Liberator beige
End of Days red
Sudafed stockpile orange
A little more shock and awe purple
Secret CIA torture chamber green
Bacon

My SO has a bushy bush. She's like a gottdam Eyetalian chica. Though I don't know what the hell her ethnicity is. Texan? WASP? American? Christian? Pagan? Calvinist?

Tears are in your eyes, tonight...

Ignore It - Ann Coulter nee Cunter

2006-02-09T11:40:00.000-06:00

After reading its latest, I decided that heretofore, I would follow these ten commandments regarding the woman and those of her ilk:

Ten Commandments

1. Do not discuss what it says.
2. Do not read what it writes.
3. Do not buy its books.
4. Do not go and see it speak
5. Do not watch it on Hannity & colmes or any of the other cable "debate" shows.
6. Follow the same policy that it itself does: do not believe what it says if one should be exposed to it.
7. Keep in mind that it exists only to inflame and make money.
8. Remember that those who listen to it are stupid and incapable of rationality and originality and it knows this.
9. Be kind.
10. Do not hate or fear what you do not know and it and it's ilk will lose influence and fade away.

Back in Bidness!!!

2006-02-08T17:48:00.000-06:00

Finally got the "internets" at home. There is absolutely no time for f'in around on the internets at worky anymore, lamentably as it is, it is what it is.

Just saw an interesting piece on ABC 7 News about the, what this narrator thought, was the long gone fad of the resurgence of roller derby. Best quote: "Those of us here don't tend to be joiners." Uh, why don't ya just come on out and say it girl: We are fukkin' rebels!!! Got some news there for ya girly, the roller derby is a trend that swept the nation. Chrikey, they even had it down there in Dallas. And if'n ya ain't joiners, why aren't you out mopin' on the street corner smokin' cigarettes and beggin' for spare change. Try bein' the ultimate non-joiner and become homeless for a week, or shut your pretentious pie hole. You got it!? Huh?!
Speakin' of which, these indie folk who portend to be non-joiners, are just as much joiners as those god-awful cheez balls that joined a frat in college. It's just a different group that your a joinin', get it? I didn't think so. You see, if you are out wandering around on a day like today here in Chitown wearing only a hoodie and a pair chucks with no gloves or a hat, you are going to some pretty extreme and extremely stupid lengths to maintain the uniform of the Empty Bottle denizen, or what I like to call them, the indie rock nerd. It's freezin' out there, dipshit! Didn't your mama ever teach you to put on your hat? Is it that important to maintain a facade of nerdiness, coolness and downright indie rock rebellion? Nah, it ain't. But remember it's tough to tend not to join.

Hello

2006-02-02T16:54:00.000-06:00

It has been a mild winter here in Chitown. The SO's mother is an accountant at the company that sells natural gas to the city of Chicago. They are rather perturbed at the lack of Exon-esque windfall profits that they had counted upon during what was to have been a very hard winter in the mid-West. Sorry. Get outta Dick's pocket and start looking for alternative technologies. There is talk of a windfall tax, to re-distribute that weatlh where it may be needed. Uh, I got news for yins, that ain't a gonna happen.

As W so eloquently put it during his speech Tues. night - we are addicted to oil. We are addicted to oil, quoth W in all his retarded, barely literate, faux Texan glory. I would suggest that you, as VP of Dick & W Inc., NLC stop feeding that addiction. Just a thought.

Holy Smokes!!!

2005-12-02T14:32:00.000-06:00

Whoa! Your humble narrator has been on extended leave. Upon his return from sabbatical, he found the staff in the janitor's closet giving each other blow jobs and others sleeping at their desks. Consequently, there was a massive lay off. No severance for you, motherfuckers. Get your lazy asses outta here!!!
There was a very interesting story in the Minneapolis Star Tribune's Sunday November 27th issue. It was about the so-called CSI effect on juries in Hennepin County courtrooms. It seems that when selecting juries, it has now become necessary to question prospective jurors regarding how often they watch any or all of the various CSI shows and how credible they find the investigative methods. Many jurors have begun to ask for CSI-esque evidence and presentations in the court room. Jesus fucking Christ on a gottdam hot dog stick! People just never seem to surprise your most gracious of narrators at just how fucking stupid they are! Lemme tell you something. Most crime scene investigators are overweight, middle-aged community college graduates. Just take a gander at the real CSI show on The Learning Channel. Of course it is obvious, is it not, that folks who would really believe this shit don't know learning from their buttholes. CSIs are not smoking hot blondes or redheads and they don't make the list of People Magazine's hottest Latino men. Sorry. And as for the techniques that are employed to gather and analyze evidence on the CSI: Gary, Indiana or CSI: Weirton, West Virginia shows, most of that shit don't even exist! It's made up! It's a fuckin' television show! And how many CSIs do you see running around that whenever they make some statement of gravity you suddenly hear Roger Daltrey screaming his head off? I didn't think so.
Come on people! Get your head outta your asses for the benefit of the rest of us. Please!

Return

2005-10-22T01:50:00.000-05:00

Back in Chitown. This is it. Not much to report. I heart INXS. Your humble narrator used to work with all black folks. The supervisor, in an effort to connect with my white ass, inquired as to whether or not you humble narrator had heard that the lead singer of inkses had killed hisself. He didn't know how pronounce the name of the band, but God bless him, he was trying.

Hammer Time - Correction

2005-09-29T13:14:00.000-05:00

The staff has been most humbled by the need to correct information that it relayed to the mass of loyal and appreciative readers in yesterday's post. The House has selected Roy Blunt (R-MO) to replace Hot Tub Tom as the majority leader. It was to be initially Dreier (R-CA) but his secret life as a homosexual led them to reconsider. BTW if you happened to watch Larry King Live last night on CNN, it was a most entertaining episode. Ann Coulter was on, God only knows why, in full-on wild-eyed, hysterical psycho bitch mode. And another red faced Bush/DeLay/Frist etc. apologist was caught in a bald-faced lie. It just keeps getting better and better.

Hammer Time

2005-09-28T12:49:00.000-05:00

YES!!!

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&u=/ap/20050928/ap_on_go_co/delay_investigation_17

And dearest of readers, it gets better. The man that will temporarily replace the slinger of roach repellant is GAY! Yippee! David Dreier (R-CA) has consistently voted against gay rights issues. Wow! This couldn't get any better. Imagine when this hits the news. Those right-wing whackjobs will be screaming bloody murder from the top of every church steeple from Dover, PA to Crawford, TX.

It's fun to watch the psychos go down, innit?

More Sick & Twisted Shit from Whacked-Out Christians

2005-09-25T19:39:00.000-05:00

Your humble narrator is employed at a non-profit agency. Unfortunately, there are some blood-thirsty, Jesus-crazed folks there, too. I ain't a knockin' Jesus. No sirree! The problem is, is that in the age of W, Christianity, the real kind as found in the new testament of the Bible, simply does not exist. It has been co-opted by some seriously sick, twisted, deranged motherfuckers to advance their own narrow agenda and psychotic need to control others and enrich themselves. There is something admirable about these guys, because they recognize that many good people, raised on an at least weekly dose of Bible study and narcoticized church services, are incapable of thinking for themselves. So guys like Pat Robertson have been able to take advantage of this and amass quite a pile for themselves and their families.
So wait, where was I going with this, oh yeah, so these freaks at my workplace have forwarded the following e-mail around the entire agency. I am confident that come Monday morning there will be some trouble, although the person responsible for monitoring such misuse of the company e-mail will enforce the rules only grudgingly as she has proved in the past to be just such a person as described above. Here is the text:

Interesting Revelations about Katrina:
> >
> > The name Katrina means pure. The dictionary defines pure as ... free
>from
>
> >adulterants or impurities, free of dirt, defilement, or pollution,
> >containing nothing inappropriate or extraneous. It has been previously
> >stated that Katrina was a cleansing, a washing way for those cities &
> >states that have been known for sin. Calculated stats indicate that
> >Katrina hit almost 5 years to the date of 9/11. But to be a little more
> >exact it had been 1,814 days since 9/11. Here is what Revelations
>chapter
> >18, verses 14-19 (1814) says.
> >
> > Revelation 18:
> >
> >14: And the fruits that thy soul lusted after are departed from thee,
>and
> >all things which were dainty and goodly are departed from thee, and thou
> >shalt find them no more at all.
> >
> > 15: The merchants of these things, which were made rich by her, shall
> >stand afar off for the fear of her torment, weeping and wailing.
> >
> > ** Merchants are those who supported the sin. **
> >
> > 16: And saying, alas, alas that great city, that was clothed in fine
> >linen, and purple, and scarlet, and decked with gold, and precious
>stones,
>
> >and pearls!
> >
> > ** Purple & gold (The colors of Mardi Gras) **
> >
> > 17: For in one hour so great riches is come to nought. And every
> >shipmaster, and all the company in ships, and sailors, and as many as
> >trade by sea, stood afar off.
> >
> > ** One hour, about the length of time that Katrina stayed over New
> >Orleans. **
> >
> > 18: And cried when they saw the smoke of her burning, saying, What city
>is
>
> >like unto this great city!
> >
> > 19: And they cast dust on their heads, and cried, weeping and wailing,
> >saying, Alas, alas that great city, wherein were made rich all that had
> >ships in the sea by reason of her costliness! for in one hour is she made
> >desolate.
> >
> > Desolate - Devoid of inhabitants
> >
> > Devoid - Completely lacking; destitute or empty
> >
> > Inhabitant - One that inhabits a place, especially as a permanent
> >resident

Not only is this some seriously fucked-up shit, but the dipshit who made it all up has their facts wrong.
Let's see: 2005-2001= 4 not 5.
Uh, that pretty much throws those Revelations verses right on out the ol' proverbial window, doesn't it? I would think that these backwoods, tongue-speaking, snake charmers, while probably not into learnin', could do the simple math on their ten dirty little fingers. But then let's multiply 4 * 365. We get 1460. Although acid trips will last anywhere from 8 - 12 hours, I'd guess old Paul came down before he could write sixty verses of the 14th chapter of the Book of Revelations. I know, I checked my Bible.
And another thing, Bourbon St., undoubtedly the "sinful" part of the city, was not flooded out by Katrina. Indeed, many bars and restaurants never even closed. So what is one to make of that? I guess God ain't perfect cause he just plum missed his target.
There is only one thing to say to these fools: DUH.

Hotter Than a Hootenany

2005-09-22T16:30:00.000-05:00

Hurricane Rita is headed this way and the forecasters are saying that Dallas will receive 3 - 5 inches of rainfall by Sunday morn accompanied by 60 mph wind gusts. That is gonna be kick ass! Especially since your humble narrator's backyard is abutted by a gully and the neighborhood is full of more and more McMansions that have eaten up all permeative surfaces. But these crazy fools down here just keep on a gettin' what they vote for. It is odd because it is currently 101 degrees with bright, punishing sunshine. Yee Ha!!! Speaking of which, I absolutely and totally believe this story:

http://www.nationalenquirer.com/celebrity/63426

Quote of the Day

2005-09-13T18:19:00.000-05:00

Strippers suck. Unless you have cocaine and you're a lesbian.

- Wade. Your humble narrator's new neighbor, over a Shiner Bock and some obnoxiously strong retard weed. God help me...

Blast from the Past

2005-09-06T13:13:00.000-05:00

"To the ordinary guy, all this is a bunch of gobbledygook. But out of the gobbledygook comes a very clear thing: you can't trust the government; you can't believe what they say; and you can't rely on their judgment. And the implicit infallibility of presidents, which has been an accepted thing in America, is badly hurt by this, because it shows that people do things the president wants to do even though it's wrong, and the president can be wrong."

- H.R. Haldeman to President Dick Nixon, June 14, 1971

It has to be somewhat modified to fit our current W. The last line would more accurately read:

...because it shows that the president does things that people (Dick, Rummy, Ariel Sharon, every major oil executive, etc.) want him to do even though it's wrong.

There, that's better. Now the quote fits the times.

Katrina

2005-09-01T16:53:00.000-05:00

You know what has really struck the staff about this disaster? No, not the fact that a non-threat in the form of a bullshit war has sucked all of the money out of US coffers for this nightmare, but the use of the word refugees. That is what the flood victims are now being referred to as. What is the Astrodome, no it ain't a place where Earl Campbell runs right and left while Bum Phillips stalks the sidelines, it is now a refugee camp. Right here in America. And all of the attendant shit that goes with it. A black market - cigs $10 a pack and god knows what else; crime - there have been rapes and beatings; dead bodies all around!
Good job, W! Those tax cuts and your despicable, murderous rampage in the Middle East looks real good right now, don't it?
You motherfucker!
Fuck you!

Quote of the Week

2005-08-24T12:16:00.000-05:00

"As the price of gas climbs, people's values decline."

- Jeff Lenard, a spokesman for the National Association of Convenience Stores

If Mr. Lenard is right, we is in for a Road Warrior-type of situation. You drivin' folks out there should really calm down. The price of gas in the US remains half of what it is in the rest of the world. Get your fat ass out of your freakin' behemoth of a vehicle, that screams to the world "MY PENIS IS TINY!!!", and walk! Take public transportation! Ride a friggin' bike! Conserve the environment! Conserve a troop's life!
CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY!!!