Billy Blog Bob

Professor Brilliance

2007-01-27T19:38:00.000-06:00

Message to you, motherfucker!

Hello - Professor Brilliance:

Today my wife and I decided that we would go and grab a burger from one of the best franchise restaurants in the country, Hamburger Marys. We parked on a side street in Andersonville and began to walk across Clark St. to the place. I had my son, Benjamin, in the car seat and the street was clear so we entered the crosswalk. At this point some black woman in a white car gunned her vehicle out of her parking spot on the street and nearly hit myself and my son. I yelled at the stupid bitch and made a kicking motion backwards with my leg. Upon reaching the sidewalk, I heard "Yo, that's how you get your ass kicked!". I looked at the street and some guy in a gold car was yelling at me. I noticed that he had that dumb fucking blacktooth earpiece on and he yelled again, "Yo, that's how you get your ass kicked." I said do you see this, pointing to the car seat in my hand, this is my son, she almost hit me. Once again earpiece encumbered stupid fuck said "Yo that's how you get your ass kicked". I went there and said "I know you guys don't give a fuck about your kids, but you need to use some common sense and shut the fuck up". What did the jackass say - "Yo, that's how you get your ass kicked." All the guy could come up with - Yo that's how you get your ass kicked. Of course the guy just drove away. Was he the one that was going to give me said ass kicking? Fuck no. The guy was a little bitch. Take that fucking earpiece off and get you little-dicked ass outta the car and show me how the fuck I was gonna get my ass kicked, motherfucker!! I wanted to tell this stupid cromagnon motherfucker that the way you get your ass kicked is to sit in your car, with that retarded ear-piece on, watch someone almost run a man with his infant son in the crosswalk over and throw your gottdam two cents in! Shut. The. Fuck. Up. And. Mind. Your. Own! Don't AX someone how to get their ass kicked!, show 'em, if you gots any balls, bitch! Oh, was your humblest of all narrators pissed off. I am sick and tired of the ghettofab bullshit. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions. Be a goddam man!

2006-06-09T20:16:00.000-05:00

Sonic Youth - Death valley 69

Fucking Kick Ass!!!

THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST

2006-06-06T21:14:00.000-05:00

Today, well what's left of it anyway, was the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the century - 2006 in the Year of Our Lord Jesus Christ. It is a big day for the folks at 20th Century Fox as they hope to reap many a satanic dollar, with the release of the remake of the, if the trailers are any indication, truly awful Omen. Anyway, your humble narrator celebrated by placing the headphones over the ears so as not to disturb the wife and retreated into a world of teenage bliss and jammed out to the Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden. Ahhhhh, what a great song and after 24 years, it still sounds so kick ass!

It begins with a Vincent Price-esque quotation of the 18th verse of the 13th chapter of Revelations before getting into some extremely cheesy but great lyrics. What a great song!!! The lyrics in their entirety for your enjoyment. Try not to laugh too much.

"Woe to you, Oh Earth and Sea, for the Devil sends the beast
with wrath, because he knows the time is short...
Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast
for it is a human number, its number is Six hundred and sixty
six."

I left alone my mind was blank
I needed time to get the memories from my mind
What did I see can I believe that what I saw
that night was real and not just fantasy
Just what I saw in my old dreams were they
reflections of my warped mind staring back at me
Cos in my dreams it's always there the evil face that twists my mind
and brings me to despair

The night was black was no use holding back
Cos I just had to see was someone watching me
In the mist dark figures move and twist
was all this for real or some kind of hell

666 the Number of the Beast
Hell and fire was spawned to be released

Torches blazed and sacred chants were praised
as they start to cry hands held to the sky
In the night the fires burning bright
the ritual has begun Satan's work is done

666 the Number of the Beast
Sacrifice is going on tonight

This can't go on I must inform the law
Can this still be real or some crazy dream
but I feel drawn towards the evil chanting hordes
they seem to mesmerise me...can't avoid their eyes

666 the Number of the Beast
666 the one for you and me

I'm coming back I will return
And I'll possess your body and I'll make you burn
I have the fire I have the force
I have the power to make my evil take its course

Ahhhh, Just a Thought

2006-05-14T21:32:00.000-05:00

To be an orginator of ideas... that is the key. To be a consumer of ideas... a fucking monkey can do that. If you are a right-wingin' whacked-out nutjob, you ain't generatin' shit but shit! Think, do something good. That's all I'm a sayin'. Yeah, and please pass that can of Old Dutch. Golly, thanks.

Drowning in Black Goo

2006-04-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

Unless you live as an ostrich with your friggin' head in the sand, not Albertan or Venezuelan tar sands mind you, there won't be much of that left at some point, you may have noticed that folks are all up in arms about the price of gasoline. Everyone wants to blame Dick & W, Inc. NLC, and while you'd have to be a real idiot to not recognize that they don't really give a fuck, they shoulder very little of the blame here. You wanna know what you should do to find the culprit, take a look in the fuckin' mirror you dipshit! Keep on truckin' little Emma and Madison to their soccer games in your big stupid vehicle. Keep on drivin' one half of a mile to the local grocery when you should really get off of your morbidly obese ass and walk. Americans are lazy and addicted to not only oil, as our retarded frat-boy Prez so famously stated, they are obsessed, and I mean OCD-level obsessed, with their gottdam cars! Walk! Take the CTA! Ride a bicycle!
Change your ways. That's all your humble narrator has got to say at this point.
Oh, and please pass that last can of Genesee Cream Ale Light. Thanks.

Sir Frances Drake

2006-04-01T20:03:00.000-06:00

Pah nub the new FL album. There is a good buddy of mine that says that it's wrong to pirate albums. Yeah, you know what, it's wrong to cut into the bands' profits. Well, if they wanna provide their accountant's address on said band's website, I'll be more than happy to send 'em a check for $1.87 or whatever it is that each band earns from CD sales, but otherwise, in all honesty, I don't really give a fuck. If you wanna hock HP computers and such, then you really don't need my money, but I'll continue to enjoy your music because yins are one of the best bands out there. I don't know, it really all needs to to be put in to some sort of perspective, and that's the current rant.

GEE W BOOOSH

2006-03-15T20:41:00.000-06:00

Your humble narrator nearly choked with laughter upon his porridge whilst reading the latest Pew Research Center's poll about your President. The most pervasive one-word term used to describe W? Can you guess?

Incompetent wins with 29 percent of respondents characterizing the Prez thusly. I'd say that's fair. Unfortunately, there are still 23 percent of you freakin' idiots out there that describe him as being "good". HOWEVER, the next two are quite telling. They were probably the most appropriate in your most gracious of writer's opinion. Idiot and Liar.

Pissed Off, Disgusted, Scared

2006-03-13T18:59:00.000-06:00

Here's a new letter to the editor. I just got in the house and my heart is still racing:

Tonight as I was walking my dog, he is just a little fru fru dog, there was a woman walking her pit bull. When her dog saw mine, it barked and immediately pulled loose of this person, jumped up and bit my dog on the leg. I was fortunate enough to be able to pull my dog away from hers at the same time she was able to re-gain control of her dog. As a former owner of a pit bull mix, I always thought that the movement to ban the breed was bred by media hype and hysteria. My former dog became increasingly protective and aggressive toward other dogs and people to the point where it became impossible to allow anyone over to the house without taking great precautions. This dog had even passed the Anti-Cruelty Society's behavior tests and that is from where the dog was adopted. What happened to my dog was that she viciously attacked my girlfriend's father one afternoon and had to be put down. The woman tonight exclaimed that her dog was friendly and attempted to blame me for the incident We had a greatly heated exchange following my reaction to her truly ignorant statement. I would like to say to you, whoever you are, that your dog may have been friendly in the past, and may pose no threat whatsoever to you or your family. However, it is people such as yourself that are to blame for the obvious need to ban pit bulls and so called pit bull type dogs. You do a disservice to the dog and the community by taking on something that you are fundamentally incapable of being responsible for and that is why the only sad conclusion is to ban these dogs.

Humble Narrator
Chitown
(XXX) XXX-XXXX

That Pesky Term

2006-03-08T13:18:00.000-06:00

You humble narrator has, for some time now, been trying without success to get an explanation of the term "partial birth abortion" from various whackos and associated groups around the country. Inquiries have been made of TX senators, Ann Cunter and James Dobson. Perhaps the Christian Coalition will provide an explanation for the repeated reference to something that quite simply

Does.
Not.
Exist.

And if it does, and a description of it can be found in say... the New England Journal of Medicine, your most compliant of orators will eat a nice big helping of old crow.

-----Original Message-----
From: Narrator, Humble
Sent: Wednesday, March 08, 2006 1:02 PM
To: 'coalition@cc.org'
Subject: Inquiry from website

In what medical journal or peer reviewed paper can the term "partial birth abortion" be found? Further, which of these journals or peer reviewed papers provides a description of the procedure? Please provide your sources. Thanks.

Breakfast Munchies

2006-02-22T20:28:00.000-06:00

I noticed over at some other sites maintained by a coupla folks I know, namely Utch and Doom, that they have been doing a lotta cerealizing these days. (sorry, couldn't resist that awful pun) I figured I'd make this cutesy little vignette available for their dietary systems to which the consumption of whole grains and oats is rumoured to be quite beneficial. Here it is, but I ain't a gonna say where I got it because I'm really in quite the plagiaristic mood.

Lucky Charms

Top of the morning! Is it morning already? I've been out all night searching the sky for shooting stars. Oh, sorry. This is Maggie and Claire. We met at the pub last night. Talk about a wish come true! The bean counter at the end of the bar who grew up eating rows of Os went home alone. Why? Never learned to spot a four-leaf clover, never learned to trust his luck, never gets lucky! If you want grandchildren, let your wee tyke get his hands on shamrocks and rainbows sooner than later. If I had my way, rabbits' feet would be in the mix, too, but General Mills says it would scare the kiddies. Maggie's got a job interview later, so we're heading to the track to see if any of the ponies threw a shoe she can take along. Spare a splash of Jameson?

Dick

2006-02-12T18:52:00.000-06:00

That Dick is an evil, bloodthirsty man is hard to deny. I believe this incident stems from the fact that Dick never wanted to go and fight. He received what, like five deferments. But you can bet your dimpled Republican ass that Dick wants to shoot and kill people. As CEO of Dick & W Inc. NLC, he's got the blood of some 30,000 innocent people on his hands. But to be able to get up close, and see the blood, smell it. Dick suddenly experienced something that the ol' cowpoke hasn't had in 20 some years - an erection. The compulsion to whack off with the sweet red lubricant taken off of his bud's face must have been nearly impossible to deny. Too bad the press was watchin'. Sorry Dick.

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/11312757/

A Little List

2006-02-10T23:14:00.000-06:00

I love McSweeney's. They are a clever bunch. Here's a list of their seasonal colours. Very neato.

Asian bird flu gray
Clandestine surveillance white
Liberator beige
End of Days red
Sudafed stockpile orange
A little more shock and awe purple
Secret CIA torture chamber green
Bacon

My SO has a bushy bush. She's like a gottdam Eyetalian chica. Though I don't know what the hell her ethnicity is. Texan? WASP? American? Christian? Pagan? Calvinist?

Tears are in your eyes, tonight...

Ignore It - Ann Coulter nee Cunter

2006-02-09T11:40:00.000-06:00

After reading its latest, I decided that heretofore, I would follow these ten commandments regarding the woman and those of her ilk:

Ten Commandments

1. Do not discuss what it says.
2. Do not read what it writes.
3. Do not buy its books.
4. Do not go and see it speak
5. Do not watch it on Hannity & colmes or any of the other cable "debate" shows.
6. Follow the same policy that it itself does: do not believe what it says if one should be exposed to it.
7. Keep in mind that it exists only to inflame and make money.
8. Remember that those who listen to it are stupid and incapable of rationality and originality and it knows this.
9. Be kind.
10. Do not hate or fear what you do not know and it and it's ilk will lose influence and fade away.

Back in Bidness!!!

2006-02-08T17:48:00.000-06:00

Finally got the "internets" at home. There is absolutely no time for f'in around on the internets at worky anymore, lamentably as it is, it is what it is.

Just saw an interesting piece on ABC 7 News about the, what this narrator thought, was the long gone fad of the resurgence of roller derby. Best quote: "Those of us here don't tend to be joiners." Uh, why don't ya just come on out and say it girl: We are fukkin' rebels!!! Got some news there for ya girly, the roller derby is a trend that swept the nation. Chrikey, they even had it down there in Dallas. And if'n ya ain't joiners, why aren't you out mopin' on the street corner smokin' cigarettes and beggin' for spare change. Try bein' the ultimate non-joiner and become homeless for a week, or shut your pretentious pie hole. You got it!? Huh?!
Speakin' of which, these indie folk who portend to be non-joiners, are just as much joiners as those god-awful cheez balls that joined a frat in college. It's just a different group that your a joinin', get it? I didn't think so. You see, if you are out wandering around on a day like today here in Chitown wearing only a hoodie and a pair chucks with no gloves or a hat, you are going to some pretty extreme and extremely stupid lengths to maintain the uniform of the Empty Bottle denizen, or what I like to call them, the indie rock nerd. It's freezin' out there, dipshit! Didn't your mama ever teach you to put on your hat? Is it that important to maintain a facade of nerdiness, coolness and downright indie rock rebellion? Nah, it ain't. But remember it's tough to tend not to join.

Hello

2006-02-02T16:54:00.000-06:00

It has been a mild winter here in Chitown. The SO's mother is an accountant at the company that sells natural gas to the city of Chicago. They are rather perturbed at the lack of Exon-esque windfall profits that they had counted upon during what was to have been a very hard winter in the mid-West. Sorry. Get outta Dick's pocket and start looking for alternative technologies. There is talk of a windfall tax, to re-distribute that weatlh where it may be needed. Uh, I got news for yins, that ain't a gonna happen.

As W so eloquently put it during his speech Tues. night - we are addicted to oil. We are addicted to oil, quoth W in all his retarded, barely literate, faux Texan glory. I would suggest that you, as VP of Dick & W Inc., NLC stop feeding that addiction. Just a thought.

Holy Smokes!!!

2005-12-02T14:32:00.000-06:00

Whoa! Your humble narrator has been on extended leave. Upon his return from sabbatical, he found the staff in the janitor's closet giving each other blow jobs and others sleeping at their desks. Consequently, there was a massive lay off. No severance for you, motherfuckers. Get your lazy asses outta here!!!
There was a very interesting story in the Minneapolis Star Tribune's Sunday November 27th issue. It was about the so-called CSI effect on juries in Hennepin County courtrooms. It seems that when selecting juries, it has now become necessary to question prospective jurors regarding how often they watch any or all of the various CSI shows and how credible they find the investigative methods. Many jurors have begun to ask for CSI-esque evidence and presentations in the court room. Jesus fucking Christ on a gottdam hot dog stick! People just never seem to surprise your most gracious of narrators at just how fucking stupid they are! Lemme tell you something. Most crime scene investigators are overweight, middle-aged community college graduates. Just take a gander at the real CSI show on The Learning Channel. Of course it is obvious, is it not, that folks who would really believe this shit don't know learning from their buttholes. CSIs are not smoking hot blondes or redheads and they don't make the list of People Magazine's hottest Latino men. Sorry. And as for the techniques that are employed to gather and analyze evidence on the CSI: Gary, Indiana or CSI: Weirton, West Virginia shows, most of that shit don't even exist! It's made up! It's a fuckin' television show! And how many CSIs do you see running around that whenever they make some statement of gravity you suddenly hear Roger Daltrey screaming his head off? I didn't think so.
Come on people! Get your head outta your asses for the benefit of the rest of us. Please!

Return

2005-10-22T01:50:00.000-05:00

Back in Chitown. This is it. Not much to report. I heart INXS. Your humble narrator used to work with all black folks. The supervisor, in an effort to connect with my white ass, inquired as to whether or not you humble narrator had heard that the lead singer of inkses had killed hisself. He didn't know how pronounce the name of the band, but God bless him, he was trying.

Hammer Time - Correction

2005-09-29T13:14:00.000-05:00

The staff has been most humbled by the need to correct information that it relayed to the mass of loyal and appreciative readers in yesterday's post. The House has selected Roy Blunt (R-MO) to replace Hot Tub Tom as the majority leader. It was to be initially Dreier (R-CA) but his secret life as a homosexual led them to reconsider. BTW if you happened to watch Larry King Live last night on CNN, it was a most entertaining episode. Ann Coulter was on, God only knows why, in full-on wild-eyed, hysterical psycho bitch mode. And another red faced Bush/DeLay/Frist etc. apologist was caught in a bald-faced lie. It just keeps getting better and better.

Hammer Time

2005-09-28T12:49:00.000-05:00

YES!!!

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&u=/ap/20050928/ap_on_go_co/delay_investigation_17

And dearest of readers, it gets better. The man that will temporarily replace the slinger of roach repellant is GAY! Yippee! David Dreier (R-CA) has consistently voted against gay rights issues. Wow! This couldn't get any better. Imagine when this hits the news. Those right-wing whackjobs will be screaming bloody murder from the top of every church steeple from Dover, PA to Crawford, TX.

It's fun to watch the psychos go down, innit?

More Sick & Twisted Shit from Whacked-Out Christians

2005-09-25T19:39:00.000-05:00

Your humble narrator is employed at a non-profit agency. Unfortunately, there are some blood-thirsty, Jesus-crazed folks there, too. I ain't a knockin' Jesus. No sirree! The problem is, is that in the age of W, Christianity, the real kind as found in the new testament of the Bible, simply does not exist. It has been co-opted by some seriously sick, twisted, deranged motherfuckers to advance their own narrow agenda and psychotic need to control others and enrich themselves. There is something admirable about these guys, because they recognize that many good people, raised on an at least weekly dose of Bible study and narcoticized church services, are incapable of thinking for themselves. So guys like Pat Robertson have been able to take advantage of this and amass quite a pile for themselves and their families.
So wait, where was I going with this, oh yeah, so these freaks at my workplace have forwarded the following e-mail around the entire agency. I am confident that come Monday morning there will be some trouble, although the person responsible for monitoring such misuse of the company e-mail will enforce the rules only grudgingly as she has proved in the past to be just such a person as described above. Here is the text:

Interesting Revelations about Katrina:
> >
> > The name Katrina means pure. The dictionary defines pure as ... free
>from
>
> >adulterants or impurities, free of dirt, defilement, or pollution,
> >containing nothing inappropriate or extraneous. It has been previously
> >stated that Katrina was a cleansing, a washing way for those cities &
> >states that have been known for sin. Calculated stats indicate that
> >Katrina hit almost 5 years to the date of 9/11. But to be a little more
> >exact it had been 1,814 days since 9/11. Here is what Revelations
>chapter
> >18, verses 14-19 (1814) says.
> >
> > Revelation 18:
> >
> >14: And the fruits that thy soul lusted after are departed from thee,
>and
> >all things which were dainty and goodly are departed from thee, and thou
> >shalt find them no more at all.
> >
> > 15: The merchants of these things, which were made rich by her, shall
> >stand afar off for the fear of her torment, weeping and wailing.
> >
> > ** Merchants are those who supported the sin. **
> >
> > 16: And saying, alas, alas that great city, that was clothed in fine
> >linen, and purple, and scarlet, and decked with gold, and precious
>stones,
>
> >and pearls!
> >
> > ** Purple & gold (The colors of Mardi Gras) **
> >
> > 17: For in one hour so great riches is come to nought. And every
> >shipmaster, and all the company in ships, and sailors, and as many as
> >trade by sea, stood afar off.
> >
> > ** One hour, about the length of time that Katrina stayed over New
> >Orleans. **
> >
> > 18: And cried when they saw the smoke of her burning, saying, What city
>is
>
> >like unto this great city!
> >
> > 19: And they cast dust on their heads, and cried, weeping and wailing,
> >saying, Alas, alas that great city, wherein were made rich all that had
> >ships in the sea by reason of her costliness! for in one hour is she made
> >desolate.
> >
> > Desolate - Devoid of inhabitants
> >
> > Devoid - Completely lacking; destitute or empty
> >
> > Inhabitant - One that inhabits a place, especially as a permanent
> >resident

Not only is this some seriously fucked-up shit, but the dipshit who made it all up has their facts wrong.
Let's see: 2005-2001= 4 not 5.
Uh, that pretty much throws those Revelations verses right on out the ol' proverbial window, doesn't it? I would think that these backwoods, tongue-speaking, snake charmers, while probably not into learnin', could do the simple math on their ten dirty little fingers. But then let's multiply 4 * 365. We get 1460. Although acid trips will last anywhere from 8 - 12 hours, I'd guess old Paul came down before he could write sixty verses of the 14th chapter of the Book of Revelations. I know, I checked my Bible.
And another thing, Bourbon St., undoubtedly the "sinful" part of the city, was not flooded out by Katrina. Indeed, many bars and restaurants never even closed. So what is one to make of that? I guess God ain't perfect cause he just plum missed his target.
There is only one thing to say to these fools: DUH.

Hotter Than a Hootenany

2005-09-22T16:30:00.000-05:00

Hurricane Rita is headed this way and the forecasters are saying that Dallas will receive 3 - 5 inches of rainfall by Sunday morn accompanied by 60 mph wind gusts. That is gonna be kick ass! Especially since your humble narrator's backyard is abutted by a gully and the neighborhood is full of more and more McMansions that have eaten up all permeative surfaces. But these crazy fools down here just keep on a gettin' what they vote for. It is odd because it is currently 101 degrees with bright, punishing sunshine. Yee Ha!!! Speaking of which, I absolutely and totally believe this story:

http://www.nationalenquirer.com/celebrity/63426

Quote of the Day

2005-09-13T18:19:00.000-05:00

Strippers suck. Unless you have cocaine and you're a lesbian.

- Wade. Your humble narrator's new neighbor, over a Shiner Bock and some obnoxiously strong retard weed. God help me...

Blast from the Past

2005-09-06T13:13:00.000-05:00

"To the ordinary guy, all this is a bunch of gobbledygook. But out of the gobbledygook comes a very clear thing: you can't trust the government; you can't believe what they say; and you can't rely on their judgment. And the implicit infallibility of presidents, which has been an accepted thing in America, is badly hurt by this, because it shows that people do things the president wants to do even though it's wrong, and the president can be wrong."

- H.R. Haldeman to President Dick Nixon, June 14, 1971

It has to be somewhat modified to fit our current W. The last line would more accurately read:

...because it shows that the president does things that people (Dick, Rummy, Ariel Sharon, every major oil executive, etc.) want him to do even though it's wrong.

There, that's better. Now the quote fits the times.

Katrina

2005-09-01T16:53:00.000-05:00

You know what has really struck the staff about this disaster? No, not the fact that a non-threat in the form of a bullshit war has sucked all of the money out of US coffers for this nightmare, but the use of the word refugees. That is what the flood victims are now being referred to as. What is the Astrodome, no it ain't a place where Earl Campbell runs right and left while Bum Phillips stalks the sidelines, it is now a refugee camp. Right here in America. And all of the attendant shit that goes with it. A black market - cigs $10 a pack and god knows what else; crime - there have been rapes and beatings; dead bodies all around!
Good job, W! Those tax cuts and your despicable, murderous rampage in the Middle East looks real good right now, don't it?
You motherfucker!
Fuck you!

Quote of the Week

2005-08-24T12:16:00.000-05:00

"As the price of gas climbs, people's values decline."

- Jeff Lenard, a spokesman for the National Association of Convenience Stores

If Mr. Lenard is right, we is in for a Road Warrior-type of situation. You drivin' folks out there should really calm down. The price of gas in the US remains half of what it is in the rest of the world. Get your fat ass out of your freakin' behemoth of a vehicle, that screams to the world "MY PENIS IS TINY!!!", and walk! Take public transportation! Ride a friggin' bike! Conserve the environment! Conserve a troop's life!
CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY!!!

Aptly Named

2005-08-24T11:58:00.000-05:00

Press conference held in August of 2007 by Sean Combs announcing yet another name change:

Hello, minions of the world! I come before you today to announce that I would like all of you to call me by another name. I have been known by the following handles over the years; Puff Daddy, Sean "Puffy" Combs, Puffy, P. Diddy and currently, Diddy. And yes, I do realize that all of the names are unintentionally self-humiliating and I have heard your snickers. And why anyone with the sense of a common earthworm would give a shit remains a mystery, I have discovered that these name-change stunts have generated enormous amounts of publicity for the most important of all causes, ME! After careful consideration and contemplation, my PR staff has come up with a new moniker, one that describes my personality and purpose and that I think all the world will agree is the most apt of all. I shall hereby be known as...

(drum roll)

PUD!!!

whatever

2005-08-20T03:51:00.000-05:00

If you are a loyal reader of this of most humblest of writings, you may remember that the transmissions initially were derived from speeches delivered at various VFW halls around WI, IN and IL. From that most scariest of engagements in Gary, IN where the members decried the fact that the speaker was some drunken white boy from Chicago to the unforgettable moment when, in Rhinelander, WI, a wasted freak bedecked in blaze orange nearly neutered your humble narrator with an errant shot from his 30.06 over under, it's been quite a ride. An experimental stay in TX merely confirmed the fact that anywhere west of the Mississippi and south of the Mason Dixon line is a disturbing encampment of theorcratic nutjobs. What is wrong with these people? The staff was entrusted to determine this. However, several run-ins with jacked-up Excursions and discussions with shockingly ignorant voters yielded no futher information. The only conclusion that solid methodology could come to was simply: these people down here are insane. It's as simple as that. Once upon a time, they wanted to cecede from the Union. Why Abe Lincoln wanted to stop them is beyond the comprehension of this writer. Anyway, we shall be relocating to Chicago during Halloween. Do not fret, dear reader, there is plenty to analyze there, and we shall never stray from our vow...

2005-08-20T03:41:00.000-05:00

Oh, man. I just shit me pantses.

Now That's Democracy!

2005-08-10T10:48:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't it be kick ass if you could get a buncha guys together with assault rifles, walk into the mayor's office of your town, and just install a new mayor? That's U.S.-style democracy. In action. In Iraq.

...today

2005-08-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

If you refused to work any evenings or weekends, took two hour breaks every afternoon and spent one out of every five days on vacation, would you still have a job? Nope, I didn't think so.

Goodbye Peter Jennings.
Hello dumbass newscasts.

What else? There's plenty of time left in the day.

Yes

2005-08-05T16:24:00.000-05:00

Went and saw me my most favoritest of local bands, The Golden Falcons, play what portends to be their final show last night. Seems that two of the members of the band have the audacity to go and further their education by obtaining Master's Degrees. The fuckin' fools. Anyway, they can best be described as a Brit Pop-type thingy but with a lotta noise and wankin' guitar solos. The singer, who does not deign to play an instrument, is 6'10" and is quite a hit with the bitches. I will miss seeing these guys play. Always a good time.

Letter to the Editor

2005-08-04T18:44:00.000-05:00

I'd like to commend the Texas House of Representatives on a job well done during the past legislative session. According to House Speaker Tom Craddick, the special legislative session for school funding is at this point a waste of time and money. The House couldn't get legislation together for school funding but we as Texans can all breathe a collective sigh of relief that more important issues such as who will marry whom and whether or not grandma will be offended by chearleading routines were not a waste of taxpayers' money or lawmakers' time.

Wednesday Morn

2005-07-27T09:57:00.000-05:00

There is what seems to be a typical Texas rain falling right now. It moves in, rains like hell for about a half hour and ends as suddenly as it began. The street out front is turned into a river. All of the undocumented workers are confined to their trucks across the street and no construction is getting done. The rain sounds good and is much needed. Getting some work done today. The job recently gave the staff quite a significant raise and there is more money around than this most humble of narrators knows what to do with. All debts are off! I owe no one nothing. It is a good feeling.

More Fun at the GWOT

2005-07-23T13:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, is there anyone out there who thinks that Dick & W Inc.'s so-called "Global War on Terror" with its current front in Iraq is effectively stopping terrorism? Is there really a significant number of dumbfuck, bloodthirsty, sick people who think we are doing the right thing in Iraq? Sadly, disarmingly, disturbingly and certainly shockingly, the answer is yes. 88 people are dead today in Egypt. 50 odd foot of grunts, oops, that's some violent, right-wingin' actor's "band's" name, I mean 55 people dead in London, a city that has now seen two attacks in a month! When will an attack occur here in the United States? It's inevitable, isn't it? And who is to blame for the ever increasing wave of terrorist attacks? George W. Bush and his coterie of corporate, neocon, sick twisted fucks. That's who. They are responsible for these deaths. They have the blood of nearly 120,000 innocent people on their hands. But you know who else is responsible? Those 60 million retards that elected Dick & W to another term. Yes, you! Take a good look in the mirror. You knew better, but your hatred of gays and women and your fucked-up take on Jesus Christ's teachings makes you a party to this bullshit. DO NOT VOTE in the 2006 mid-term elections. Does everyone have a right to vote? FUCK NO! The current sad state of affairs is proof beyond a doubt of that. Christ on a gottdam hot dog stick, the staff is fucking pissed off! I'm gonna go and make me another summer drink now and calm down...
10-4 good buddy, over and out.

AND LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!

2005-07-01T13:09:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't heard, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has retired from the U.S. Supreme Court.

Hold on canoots! Get your waders out! We is in for a rough ride!

Letter Re: W's Speech Last Night

2005-06-29T08:39:00.000-05:00

They probably won't publish it, so we will:

Within ten seconds of the start of his speech, President George W. Bush once again broke yet another promise he made, to not use 9/11 for political gain. The president's continued and despicable use of 9/11 in his speech attempted to link 9/11 with the war in Iraq, when it has been determined by more than one commission that the two are mutually exclusive.
The President offered nothing regarding the war in Iraq that we haven't heard before; the advance of freedom, American security, blah, blah, blah. The only people whose security and freedom has been threatened by the President's war in Iraq are the 112,000 Iraqis and over 1700 American soldiers who are now dead as a result of his war.

Operation Iraqi Liberation

2005-06-26T15:52:00.000-05:00

I'd like to take a moment to post a partial quote by who has to be seen by his actions following his holding the esteemed office of President of the U.S. of fuckin' A. as probably one of the only politicians around with any shred of morality and deceny. Here it is, it's really something to think about:

"Beginning this moment, this nation will never use more foreign oil than we did in 1977 -- never. From now on, every new addition to our demand for energy will be met from our own production and our own conservation. The generation-long growth in our dependence on foreign oil will be stopped dead in its tracks right now and then reversed as we move through the 1980s, for I am tonight setting the further goal of cutting our dependence on foreign oil by one-half by the end of the next decade -- a saving of over 4-1/2 million barrels of imported oil per day… To give us energy security, I am asking for the most massive peacetime commitment of funds and resources in our nation's history to develop America's own alternative sources of fuel -- from coal, from oil shale, from plant products for gasohol, from unconventional gas, from the sun… I'm proposing a bold conservation program to involve every state, county, and city and every average American in our energy battle.! This effort will permit you to build conservation into your homes and your lives at a cost you can afford…"

Take a look around. All of those big dumbass trucks out there is all that one needs to see to realize that it never happened. We is in trouble. Yippee!

Pass the Fork, For I Need the Spoon

2005-06-24T22:12:00.000-05:00

An odd time for a dispatch from the staff, but fuck it, here we go. I'm sitting here waiting for the SO to get outta the shower so we can go and see us some Spoon. Then we gotta pick up this other couple, who if history is to be relied upon, will not be ready to go. LET'S FUCKING GO!! Oh, thank you, blessed Shiner Bock, I shall drink thee.
God bless.

Father's Day

2005-06-19T13:34:00.000-05:00

So today is Father's Day. Happy Day Hallmark! Thou shalt reapeth thy profits that thy shall sow. Blah, Blah, Blah. In all seriousness, who gives a fuck about Father's Day. What son, on God's green Earth, really got along with their old man growing up? Perhaps I am wrong, but I sure didn't. I can remember times when I honestly hated that fucker. I can think of one time in particular when we were shooting trap and the most disturbing of thoughts came across my mind. I'm holding my Remington 12 gauge field rifle and I'm thinking how easy it would be if I just trained it on the old man and pulled the trigger. That's pretty fucked up, ain't it? But I mean, come on! it's just one of those things, you know? Fuck, I'm pretty gottdam drunk right now. I hate you too, Jack Daniels, you motherfucker, fuck you...

...and There You Have It: RIP Terri Schiavo

2005-06-15T15:00:00.000-05:00

I regret to inform all of you psycho, lunatic, fringe-dwelling, nutcase, paranoid, meddling, whacked-out, bloodthirsty, pro-death, anti-choice Christian nutfucks out there that the courts were right. Next time, keep your eyes glued to the Trinity Broadcast Network, your pocketbooks open and stay the fuck out of other peoples' lives.

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=578&u=/nm/20050615/ts_nm/rights_schiavo_dc_4

Governor Dick (R) Texas

2005-06-14T16:29:00.000-05:00

At the behest of the Human Rights Campaign, I wrote this letter to Governor Richard Perry. I made a few changes from what they provided for me. They may not be happy about them, but fuck it, I ain't runnin' for office.

Your comments telling Texas GLBT veterans returning from Iraq that "a state that has more lenient views than Texas" might be "a better place for them to live" do not represent the views of most Americans. I do find them to be a very valuable insight into your mindset, however. You are a bigoted, embarrassing and backwoods type of person who, being one of the weakest governors in the country, has no right holding such high office. Signing useless legislation in churches merely illuminates your true wish, to pander to the whacked-out, right-wing, theocratic nutjobs whom you believe to be your base.

Most Americans recognize that GLBT individuals are productive members of their communities. In the workplace, Texas companies know that it is in their best interest to protect their GLBT employees, as it helps them recruit and retain the best talent. 30 of the Fortune 500 companies located in Texas have non-discrimination policies that include sexual orientation. 12 of these Texas companies offer domestic partner health benefits to same-sex partners of employees.

Furthermore, many American families have members who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, and those families ought to be treated with the same dignity and respect with which other families are treated. Telling GLBT individuals that they are not welcome back in Texas, a state that they may have been unfortunate enough to grow up in and where those who, unlike yourself, love and care for them reside is reprehensible and you should be deeply ashamed. According to the 2000 Census data, there are 42,912 same-sex unmarried partner households in Texas.

GLBT Americans make up a valuable segment of Texas families and workers. I urge you not only to apologize to these Texans for your comments, but to actively promote and support legislation that will benefit them and their families.

I look forward to hearing your response.

I'm Free

2005-06-13T16:23:00.000-05:00

Forget Iraq. Forget about our lying piece-of-shit administration. The staff here at Billy Blog Bob are pleased to bring you the most important news story since 9/11:

MICHAEL JACKSON NOT GUILTY ON ALL COUNTS!!!

And if you missed it here, don't worry. Unless you are a person that can turn off their televisions, ignore the newspapers and the radio and stay away from the internet, you will have plenty of opportunities to be inundated with analysis of the verdict, interviews with legal "experts" and disgusting competing takes on the whole mess for about, oh..., two weeks. Shit, maybe more.

And to the American media, Billy Blog Bob would like to extend a sincere thank you on the behalf of Dick & W Inc, NLC.

I Just Don't Fucking Get It

2005-06-12T21:31:00.000-05:00

Your humble narrator spent quite a bit of time out on the highways and biways of this humongous land of undocumented workers and whacked-out nutjobs over the weekend and every time I'm out in the car I just get more and more confused. What is the source of my great puzzlement, you ask, dearest of all readers? It is the presence of 18-37 year old persons in their cars, mostly obnoxious SUVs, complete with yellow "support the troops" ribbons on them. I just wanna know, why are you here, you 26 year-old black girl in your Escalade ESV with the Jesus Fish and yellow ribbon on the back. Why aren't you, right now, right this minute, in basic training for the Marine Corps? And to you, the white girl with the big hair, tooling around in your Jetta, talking non-stop on your cell phone, proudly displaying a red, white & blue ribbon, whatever are you not doing at the nearest Army recruiting office? Are these morons unaware of the fact that neither the Army and the Marine Corps, no-how, now way, will meet their recruitment goals for this fiscal year and likely not the next, either? Why isn't your ass over in Iraq or Afghanistan putting your money where your big, dumb mouth is and supporting the troops?! Get your hypocritical, cowardly ass down to the nearest recruiting station and enlist immediately, or get that goddamn, offensive, evil, blood-soaked, bullshit ribbon off of your fucking car immediately and

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!!!

And another thing, DO NOT vote in the mid-term elections next year.

Thanks and God bless.

Green Crypto

2005-06-09T17:34:00.000-05:00

That's what Perry Farrell called the Devil Weed, Ganja (sic?), Herb, Bud, Weed, Shit, Pot, Marijuana, Marihauna, Chronic etc... at the first annual Lollapalooza festival that your humble narrator attended in St. Paul, MN in the year... - what the fuck year was it? I don't remember. Whatever. Whenever. I read this story: http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=1&u=/ap/20050606/ap_on_go_su_co/scotus_medical_marijuana
the other day, but didn't think much of it. Anyone who is surprised at this decision should really pull their heads outta their collective asses as this is 2005 motherfukkers! Progress, sheeeit!, REGRESS is the word of the times, you fools. So get with the gottdam times! Anyway, whilst having one of my semi-daily talks with my neighbor, Old Man Joe, who is a proud veteran of WWII, Korea and three, count 'em!, three tours in Vietnam, he disclosed to me that he is currently prescribed COCAINE for his hip pointers. That's Bolivian Marching Powder, Coke, Snow, Flake, Whitey, Blow, Devil Powder, Powder etc... and I SHIT YOU NOT, the fucker is enjoying pure pharmaceutical nose candy at the expense of you and me, the American taxpayer. I thought about it and the last couple of weeks, since the beginning of his new medication, he has been a LOT more talkative, not as bad as Sean Penn in Hurlyburly or any of those folks you've seen out at the bars or at parties who just yammer on and on about the most inane shit imaginable, all the while sniffing with their jaws going a million miles an hour, but quite a bit more than is characteristic of Ol' Joe.
Let's see, why is there not an uproar about the fact that coke, of all things, is available to cure what ails you and cannabis ain't? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that much ado has been made about legalizing marijuana and none of the whacked-out fucknuts are aware that another drug is being used for a legitimate purpose that has much greater potential for addiction and adverse affects on society. It's just further proof of how stupid and sheep-like these right-wing folks really are.

Where Have You Been!

2005-06-02T10:47:00.000-05:00

The staff has been quite concerned of late as they have had precious little to do. Unfortunately, the nicer the weather gets, the more likely that layoffs will become a fact of life here amongst the staff. Been quite busy with new tasks and have been taking less and less interest in politics. Residing in a theocratic land of fukkin' whacked-out nutjobs will do that to you. We receive a lot of e-mails regarding the necessity of having Tom DeLay fired, but I have instructed the staff over and over to let Wes Boyd at MoveOn.org know that contacting Pete Sessions is a complete and total waste of time as Tom DeLay's dick is firmly and permanently entrenched in Congressman Session's mouth.
In other news, your humble narrator awoke on Sat. morning during last weekend's camping trip to find that twelve new pets had taken up residence on said narrator's body. It was quite disconcerting, discomfitting and downright disturbing. A quick dash to the local store and the purchase of a pack of matches and a pair of tweezers quickly eliminated the threat. There's not much more humiliating than standing buck nekkid in the woods and having your SO inspect your nether regions for ticks, let me tell you much-adored reader!

Scooped!

2005-05-18T10:02:00.000-05:00

Kos thinks that it came from him but I like to think Bill Maher musta been reading a little Billy Blog Bob last week.

http://www.dailykos.com/

Enlistment Shortfalls

2005-05-11T12:37:00.000-05:00

I sent the following letter to my US senators, my US House rep, my state rep and my state senator. I hereby call on the legion of Billy Blog Bob readers to do the same for their elected officials that support this bullshit war:

In April, the Army missed its recruiting goal for the third month in a row, short by nearly 2,800 recruits, or 42 percent off its target. And for the first time in 10 years, the Marine Corps missed its recruiting goal for the last four months. I am writing -your representative's name(s) goes here- to urge him/her to call on all the members of his/her family that are of enlistment age to join him/her in supporting the war in Iraq and sign-up for tours of duty there immediately. Thanks.

No Title Just Bullshit

2005-05-05T00:51:00.000-05:00

This is my first spring here in Texas. If you forget about all of the bullshit politics and the religious insanity, it's a pretty cool place, Texas. I already look like a friggin' black motherfucker and it's only the first week of May. My SO and I went down to Austin this past weekend. The first day we got there, it was 95 degrees. We went swimming in this place called Barton Springs. It was kick-ass! Austin is one of the coolest places in this here US of A, I gotta say. When we were at the springs, this one chica was goin' topless. She had some nice units! It reminded me of my folks' place on the North Sea in Holland. On those beaches, a lotta people were nekkid, some that you would never wanna see that way, but bein' Europeans, they didn't give a fuck and God bless 'em. On Saturday in Austin, there's this festival that they have every year down there to celebrate Eore's birthday. That's Eore of Winnie the Pooh fame. We all decided to eat a button of peyote for the fest. Holy Fucking Shit! dear reader, your humble narrator had entered another dimension. Usually, I do not like hippie shit, but the drum circles and freaks in costume were all good on that day. Anyway, Texas ain't too bad if you make it that way. The bikin' is first rate. I met this guy who owns this little bike shop and he takes a person back to the days of when customer service really meant something. He ain't there to rape your ass when you need something done. And he showed me how to adjust my derailer, whilst fixin' it, for nothing. And all the while he's pouring Shiners down my throat. Dallas is a cool place, you just gotta know where to find the good stuff. Maybe that makes it better than other parts of the country, I dunno, but here I am for a while at least. I still miss Chitown though.

Gannon/Guckert/Whatever again

2005-05-05T00:40:00.000-05:00

I saw his appearance on the Bill or Phil or I dunno Maher show. He presented himself pretty well, I gotta admit. At this point, who cares. There is some psycho biyatch that said F this, I don't wanna get married. To add more to the psycho-ness, her fiance is standing by her! Seems that they've never had sex. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, would you buy a car without test driving it first? I didn't think so. Take that shit out for a spin. If it's your thing to get you wick all poopie, then I think that you should make sure that your potential spouse is into that shit (yeah shit, on your dipstick) as well. I dunno. We should see what the Lord says. He will guide us into the nether, or the swamp or the concrete. We could be Heroes! Just for one day! For ever and ever. Or never. I would be king!

Gannon/Guckert/Whatever

2005-04-25T14:01:00.000-05:00

The records of Gannon/Guckert's numerous visits to the White House have been released. On many occasions, he never signed in and on many other occasions, he never signed out. So this opens a whole 'nother can of worms.
Just who was fucking this guy at the White House?
Will we ever find out?
That's really not the important issue here anyway. We already know that many folks who hate gays are themselves, gay. I wanna know how this guy got in and why he was allowed in the press briefings when he often cut and pasted stories from White House press releases and has been accused of plagiarizing others' work.

Letter to Time Regarding Ann Cunter

2005-04-20T15:50:00.000-05:00

I was shocked and dismayed when I read John Cloud's fluff piece on this racist, misogynistic, violence inciting liar. Mr. Cloud was clearly taken by this person and did precious little real research into her various appearances on cable "news" programs, her regular columns and her books. Was it Time's intention to drastically reduce its credibility? Or, more insidiously, is Time following the example of politicians like Bill Frist and Tom DeLay and pandering to a certain segment of society just to sell issues?

Another Letter to the Editor

2005-04-20T14:44:00.000-05:00

I was greatly saddened and embarrassed for the members of the Texas House upon learning that the banning of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered individuals from serving as foster parents had passed as an amendment to the CPS overhaul bill. As a former child welfare social worker in the state of Illinois, I know firsthand how difficult it is to place children in safe, loving and permanent homes. There are countless instances across the country where children have been removed from foster parents who are Christian and heterosexual because they were being abused and neglected by their caretakers. The members of the Texas House have removed a valuable resource for CPS workers because they want to continue to advance an ideological agenda. And what of foster children who identify themselves as LGBT? Believe it or not, they exist. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to allow them the option to live with a nurturing and understanding family? This ill-conceived and hastily added amendment does a great disservice to them, CPS staff and many caring individuals who are willing to provide badly needed homes.

The BENEDICTion

2005-04-20T11:16:00.000-05:00

Here is the blessing from the new Pope, Herr Ratzinger, that those attending mass will hear:

May the Lord bless Der Fuhrer and keep him
May the Lord make his face to shine upon Der Fuhrer
May the Lord look upon Der Fuhrer with favour and give him war
Sig Heil!!!

It's a Filibuster Against People of Superstition!!!

2005-04-19T17:02:00.000-05:00

AD05D01_LARGE
Originally uploaded by BillyBlogBob.

Yep, here is the poster for the nutjobs little cotillion this weekend.

Pope Benedict the XVI

2005-04-19T11:58:00.000-05:00

Yippee!!! Yahooey!!! A new pope!!! Personally, I am apathetic at best about the pope. It is interesting that this guy just turned 78 last week. Looks like it'll be more of the same from the Catholic Church. Kinda mirrors a lot of what we are seeing in the U.S. today.

We live in The Age of Regression and Superstition.

Fluffer Time

2005-04-19T11:03:00.000-05:00

I see that Time magazine has published a story on Ann Cunter, everyone's favorite whacked-out, binge-and-purge liar. Billy Blog Bob is not a subscriber to the mag, so regrettably, the staff was unable to read the article. Judging from the pics on Time's website, it is most likely a classic fluff piece. I'll send one of the interns down to the local newstand to read a copy for free and make a complete report.

Trash It

2005-04-18T17:41:00.000-05:00

So yes, Timmy, your fifth grade teacher will be more than happy to allow you to do just what Condoleeza Rice would do. Before Ma and Pa see those Fs in citizenship, personal hygiene and rithmatic, we'll just burn your report card.
Hee hee, no problemo!

http://www.realcities.com/mld/krwashington/11407689.htm

Fun with the Landlord

2005-04-15T16:32:00.000-05:00

I'm hoping to make a serial out of this, much as I'd hoped to make updates about various whacked-out nutfucks that I come across in various ways a continuing soap box blog-like speech fest. We shall see.
Anyway, my landlord, whose name is Bernie, is a fucking dickhead, asshole, piece of shit, Texan fuckhead cocksucker. I would like to tie him up and run him over with his big, stupid Lexus SUV. It would make me happy to see him lying in the street with black tire tread marks across his stupid "vintage" OP shirts that he purchased at Abercrombie & Fitch for $50 that were made by six year olds in Myanmar for $.05.
Oh how I would laugh with evil glee and delight!
So I come home the other day, Tuesday I believe, yes twas Tues., from walking my mutt and the dipshit is at the neighbors waiting for me. He had been in my home and had made quite a mess out of the closet where the attic access door is. See, we have raccoons or oppossums (or as they are more commonly referred to by the redkneck moniker, possums) or rats or squirrels or cats or who-the-fuck-knows what vermin in our attic, walls and everywhere in-between. My SO and I don't hear 'em so much anymore, but the old bat next door is fucking obsessed! So the guy proceeds to explain to me that raccoons are nocturnal (no shit, sherlock) and that the best way to get rid of them is to "make them uncomfortable" during the day. You mean we gotta take out their 42 inch plasmas and water beds?! Well, Christ on a Cross, why not just shoot the little fuckers! We's in Texas, ain't we? (just kiddin') So what does he do? He's got two 100 watt flood lamps and a radio, tuned to the local Nashville assembly line country station in the attic. I work outta the house and let me tell you once you've heard the most despicable shit that corporate music "artists" can possibly record for more than two seconds, you kinda go into a murderous rage a'la Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Where was I? Oh, yeah. So when Bernie is done lecturing me as if I'm six, I tell him that next time he wants to come in the house in violation of TX state law without 24 hours notice he better watch his balls. Ruby takes great exception to strangers just walkin' on in. Then I informed him that I would not be running two 100 watt flood lamps off of, you guessed it, my own electricity for 12 hours a day as it is both wasteful and expensive. Boy, you shoulda seen ol' fucknut's face. He was pissed. But I had him. There wasn't shit he could say.
Ahhh, sweet victory.

SHUT UP

2005-04-15T12:13:00.000-05:00

And the insanity continues:

"As the liberal, anti-Christian dogma of the left has been repudiated in almost every recent election, the courts have become the last great bastion for liberalism. For years activist courts, aided by liberal interest groups like the A.C.L.U., have been quietly working under the veil of the judiciary, like thieves in the night, to rob us of our Christian heritage and our religious freedoms."

Tony Perkins
President
Family Research Council

Sad Day

2005-04-15T11:13:00.000-05:00

Today as I was preparing to feed Jack, ne' Nemo, my betta fish, I found that he was resting on the bottom of his bowl. This is not an unusual practice for him as he had outlasted his life expectancy of 2 - 3 years by about a year and a half and was a tired old man. I noticed that something was amiss when he did not begin to swim to the top of the vase that serves as his home as he always does upon seeing me. I noticed that his body had taken on a gray hue and he appeared quite bloated. With great sadness, I pronounced Jack dead at 9:23 am CST.

I then carried the vase out to the creek in back and dumped it in the woods.

Message to Doom

2005-04-01T15:57:00.000-06:00

Yes, Tom DeLay is a scummy, disturbing, dead-eyed, fucknut, eely, icky, greedy little man. But yins got Dennis Hastert. He ain't much better. At least Tom DeLay may soon be neutered if all goes well.

Regrettably enough it's - Terry Schiavo Part Deux

2005-03-31T11:56:00.000-06:00

Now that the ol' girl has been put out to pasture and the media whores and the politicians will have to move on to other diversions, will the real issue here be discussed? Terry Schiavo was a victim of Cosmo, Vogue and all of the other various media that portray the proper female body image as one of a waifish, junky-esque, near dead skeleton. Here at Billy Blog Bob, we've touched on this issue before following Christina Applegate's appearance on the Leno show. I just wanted to throw that out there.
The answer to the question is, of course, no.

Holy Moly, Batman!!!

2005-03-30T17:45:00.000-06:00

It seems that a fellow I know over at www.dannydoom.com has begun an interesting series regarding the national shift toward whacked-out extreme religious, uh... EXTREMISM. These are indeed pretty frightening times for those of us who believe in weird mystical shit like progress, education and, most SATANIC of all!, SCIENCE!
Here in Texas they have some pretty interesting state laws like the one that states that a human being is defined as being a living individual the moment conception takes place! I ain't a shittin' you! So consider this: a young lady is pregnant and she does not take all of her pre-natal vitamins and doesnt' follow the strict advice of her doctor. If she miscarries, will some whacked-out Christian nutfuck be able to bring murder charges against her?
There is also a law that says that if you are a pharmacist, and you object to using birth control, you can refuse to fill a prescription for someone you don't even fucking know!
Mr. Doom may be interested to know (since he made fun of TX, God how I was hurt) that in Illinois they have an even more whacked-out law, called a "conscience law" whereby a doctor can refuse to perform any procedure on any individual! What ever happened to the Hippocratic Oath?
It's kinda funny how you haven't heard so much from Mssrs. Frist, Exterminator Man and W about Terry Schiavo since the polls have come out. Hey, dipshits! Even a majority of Evangelical Christians disagree with your hypocritical BS!
Despite that, we've only seen the beginning. Teachers are afraid to teach the "Theory of Evolution" around these parts. Got news for you, psychos, the argument that it's only a theory based on a few facts is pretty funny, considering that Creationism ain't based on any facts at all!

FACTS, not DOGMA!

Dead

2005-03-25T14:54:00.000-06:00

Dr. Tom Delay:

If I'ma fixin' to die, let me fucking die. Mr. Delay, sir, such as it is, if I can't feel my balls, let me fucking die. I don't care how many scandals you are embroiled in or what the opinion of the vast majority of Americans is or what Florida senate seat is at stake, just let me fucking die. I may wink, on accident, or my left toenail may reflect magenta, but still, I beg of you, just let me fucking die. Please, please, please, put your scumbag, bullshit, cockroach-eradicating-ass-politics aside for two seconds, and just let me fucking die.
God bless, and in Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

Not Shit to Say Today

2005-03-23T17:29:00.000-06:00

It's nice out. Went to SXSW last weekend. There is only one thing to say about SXSW:

THERE WERE A LOTTA FUCKING ROCKERS!!!!!

I think that the total value of tattoos in Austin from Wednesday through Sunday was probably somewheres in the neighborhood of 420 billion dollars. Oh, wait, that's another figure I got from somewhere else. Whatever. Here's what there is to do at SXSW:

Wander around in a drug and alcohol induced haze
Watch bands
Eat food
Look at girls
Wander around in a drug and alcohol induced haze
Avoid the camera crews
Watch bands
Wander around in a drug and alcohol induced haze

That was about it and it was a lotta fun.

Roids

2005-03-17T14:40:00.000-06:00

I haven't been much of a baseball fan for many years. When I lived in Minnesota in 1991, I followed the Twins pretty closely. That was the year that the Twins met the Atlanta Braves in what many say was the best World Series in baseball history. Of course, the Twins won it amidst the homer hankies in the god-awful Metrodome. I used to get free Cubs tickets when I worked at the Chicago Board of Trade from the broker I held paper for. I could put my elbows on the first base dugout. What a fucking treat that was! One of the best ballparks in the country, with the best seats! Anyway, now there is a huge steroid controversy, complete with congressional hearings. In this, the age of a piece of shit, lying-out-his-ass president and Tom Delay, the taxpayers are paying for an investigation into steroid abuse by baseball players. Pretty pathetic and a godsend for Dick & W Inc. But god bless Mark McGwire, he says he ain't naming names. Jose Cuntseco should learn a lesson from Mr. McGwire. Then you got Sammy Sosa up there saying he never used roids. That's bullshit and everyone knows it. Quite fitting for a congressional hearing. Why can't we have some semblance of honesty and integrity? Not in baseball. Just another sign of the decline of the American colonial empire.

Tom Delay

2005-03-11T12:16:00.000-06:00

He don't represent me, Pete Sessions does, but he's got a lotta power there in Washington. Have you ever seen the guy. Ickie, ickie, yuckie-yoo! He'll make your skin crawl. The former pesticide salesman just looks like a slimy, scummy person. You could just see him, battling roaches in the dankest, darkest basements. You go after what you know, I guess. There was an episode of Nightline the other night that had Angelina Jolie on describing the good works that she is doing for the people in the world that Tom Delay, Dick & W Inc. and most Americans couldn't give a shit about seeing that they don't have any oil. Anyway, there was a scene in which Ms. Jolie was meeting with "The Hammer". She visibly recoiled at the sight of the man! It was quite a TV moment that I wish I had on tape. So I wrote a little letter to the editor about him, and since they never publish my letters, I decided I'll start doing it here, on my own, for the benefit of ALL my loyal readers:

I felt that it was necessary to direct Dallas Morning News readers' attention to a report released by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. CREW has found that Rep. Tom Delay has accepted a total of $24,000 dollars in campaign contributions from corporations and executives who sell pornography. Interesting, given the pronouncement by the thrice-rebuked Mr. Delay that pornography is a destructive force in society.

Plastic Mask-Wearing Distubing Freak

2005-03-10T17:23:00.000-06:00

Well, I finally gave in today and read my first story about Raggedy Andy's trial on that wonderful purveyor of racist articles and bullshit, Yahoo! News. Is there any doubt in anyone's mind that this guy is a predator, a sex offender, a fucking raper of children? With the limited access that we all have to the goings-on in this trial, I can, with a certain amount of personal experience in these matters, pinpoint the exact behaviors that attest to this black "man" who would be white's guilt. No, I was never the victim of such abuse. I had the pleasure of working in an institution that provided long-term residential "treatment" for juvenile sex offenders for about two years. There are several things that strike me about Mr. Andy's behavior. His obvious need to control the proceedings by delaying the trial for a week and then today he comes into court in pajamas stating that he has "back problems". The judge ordered that Raggedy show up in an hour lest his bail be forfeited. Raggedy Andy still shows up after that deadline passed and the judge lets him get away with it! Mr. Andy is also fond of doing dance moves during the proceedings and talking to his son, Prince, who is present, yes he is!, in court. Then you get to the Jesus Juice. Jesus drank wine, and so can you little boy. But, Raggedy Andy, I only have one kidney. Shut up Child!, drink that shit, Mr. Andy needs to get his groove on!!! Raggedy plied the child with liquor, then told him not to tell anyone about it. What else did the living doll do? He groomed the victim. That's "treatment" parlance for manipulated and tricked the victim by pretending to like him. He also gave the victim a watch and a black jacket. I know that Raggedy Ann's brother is innocent until proven guilty, but damn it's awful hard to ignore some of this guy's behaviors.
I guess we'll find out in, oh, another four months or so.

My Home

2005-03-08T22:09:00.000-06:00

My Home
Originally uploaded by BillyBlogBob.

That's where all the rantin' and ravin' comes from.

My Mutt

2005-03-08T22:08:00.000-06:00

My mutt
Originally uploaded by BillyBlogBob.

This is Ruby. She is one of the most ill-behaved creatures to roam the Lord's green Earth.

Eyes Wide Open

2005-03-08T22:06:00.000-06:00

Eyes Wide Open
Originally uploaded by BillyBlogBob.

Here is a photo of the exhibition on the plaza in front of Dallas City Hall. A lot of the right-wing, whacked-out nutjobs here in Texas had a huge problem with this exhibit.

THEY ARE DYING FOR THE OIL THAT YOU CONSUME IN YOUR MASSIVE BIG DUMB YELLOW RIBBON BEARING TRUCKS YOU STUPID FUCKERS!!!!

Monkey Update

2005-03-08T09:43:00.000-06:00

Oh, yeah, and Buddy and Ollie fucked up the guys balls, too. Vicious, but well deserved.

AND THE PRIMATES SHALL TAKE THEIR REVENGE ON ALL OF HUMANITY!!

2005-03-04T11:14:00.000-06:00

CALIENTE, Calif. - Two chimpanzees broke from their cage at an animal sanctuary Thursday and attacked a couple who were visiting another chimp that had been removed from their home years earlier for his own aggressive behavior, authorities said.

Seems that the chimps, Buddy and Ollie, took exception to the fact that this dipshit who was keeping one of their own as a pet was there at the zoo with birthday cake and didn't bring any for them! Buddy and Ollie then tore the guy's face off.
The moral of the story: wild animals don't belong in cages, don't feed 'em birthday cake and they certainly shouldn't be kept as pets.

Eyes Wide Open

2005-03-02T14:13:00.000-06:00

Went and saw an exhibit entitled the above "on yesterday". (that's Ebonics, don't you know) A pair of boots representing every single American soldier killed in Iraq was placed in the plaza in front of Dallas City Hall. Quite a beautiful place with a killer view of the downtown and Reunion Tower. There were 1499 pairs of boots. There was also a memorial to the anywhere from 14,000 to 100,000 depending-on-who-you-talk-to Iraqi citizens who have died as a result of Dick & W Inc.'s desire to bring democracy to the Middle East. And if you believe that one, I got some land in Florida that would be perfect for tract home development for sale. There was a similar exhibit that Billy Blog Bob saw last year in Chicago, with one huge difference - there are a helluva lot more boots out there now. I took some pictures, and if I ever figure out how to do it, I'll post 'em.

Social Security

2005-02-23T22:53:00.000-06:00

I realized something this evening whilst viewing Jon Stewart's hilarious explanation of what SS is and how the crisis that supposedly exists can be viewed. Social Security was created by that most esteemed of Republican presidents Franklin Roosevelt. And why did he create this program? It was created as a way to keep senior citizens out of poverty after the stock market went bust. So along comes Dick & W and what exactly do they propose? They want folks to put their money for SS into private accounts and the government will invest it in the stock market! What the fuck kinda sense does that make exactly? So the program is gonna be revamped to put money back into a failure that it was supposed to be the remedy for?
That is way over my head.

Gannon/Guckert/Whatever

2005-02-22T19:04:00.000-06:00

I came across this from Talon News today. What a fascinating story:

Statement concerning former Washington, DC correspondent Jeff Gannon

Washington, DC reporter and White House Correspondent Jeff Gannon/Guckert/Gayboy submitted his resignation from our organization effective February 8, 2005. We sincerely hate gay men and the mere hint that Mr. Gannon or Guckert or Whatever His Name May Be has caused our hypocritical bowels to move in a slimy and heretofore unknown way has necessitated his removal.
Icky, icky. Yuckie Yoo!!!
I understand and support Jeff's decision, and I hope that he may find, through Christ, the ability to change his evil and hateful ways. I have accepted the resignation.
We are currently evaluating candidates to fill this critical assignment and plant in the oh-so friendly White House press room, without any kind of background clearance, another fluffler/"journalist" and anticipate minimal interruption of Talon's coverage of our nation's capitol and the White House in the meantime.
-- Robert R. Eberle, Ph.D.Editor in Chief, Talon News

That's the real statement, I merely cut and pasted it from the Talon News website. Whouda thunk such candor would come from those whacked-out nutjobs?

Mr. Thompson

2005-02-22T18:14:00.000-06:00

I liked the guy. He wasn't full of shit, he liked drugs, he liked to drink, he liked guns and he was funnier than hell. I'm not much of a suicide fan, though. I think it's probably one of the most cowardly things a person can do unless they get to a certain terminal state when it is obvious that being alive is a painful, torturous nightmare. I've read that the guy couldn't get around like he was used to any more and perhaps all dignity was gone and he has every right to decide when it's time to go in that type of situation. I don't know.
Anyway, I'll miss your writings, Mr. Thompson, sir.

The Saga Continues...

2005-02-22T15:54:00.000-06:00

You may remember your humble narrator's lonely and probably futile crusade to get Ms. Ann Cunter and her whacked-out, inaccurate, bullshit and completely racist column off the pages of Yahoo!. Well, a response was received from Yahoo!, here it is:

Hello,
Thank you for writing to Yahoo! News.Yahoo! strives to provide complete and balanced coverage of all news events. Our content sources vary by subject (World, Entertainment, Sports, etc.). Reuters and the Associated Press provide news in almost all categories on our site. They represent the majority of our daily story volume, but we also have many other providers.Please note that Yahoo! News does not write or edit any of the news or news artical on our site. If you have comments about the tone, angle, accuracy, or coverage of a story, please address them to the news provider directly.To identify the provider of a story, look at the upper-right corner of the page where you read the story. You'll see a graphic identifying the provider. A list of contact email addresses or web site links for all ofour news providers is at: http://help.yahoo.com/help/news/news-03.html
Thank you again for contacting Yahoo! Customer Care.
Regards,Betty
Yahoo! Customer Care

Well blow me on down the pike! Yahoo! passed the buck! Now that's a big surprise! Golly, Betty, thanks for all of your help. Oh, and it's nice to see that you are continuing the trend of poor grammar and mispellings that is a symptom of the dumbing down of our society, but that's a whole 'nother story. Keep up the good work!
Well, I decided that I would contact www.uexpress.com and complain to them. I pretty much just cut and pasted my previous e-mail with a few minor modifications, so I won't bore the shit out of you dearest of readers with that again. But we shall see what UExpress has to say about the matter.
To be continued...

Preachin'

2005-02-22T01:04:00.000-06:00

DO NOT PAINT THE PLANKS OF A SINKING SHIP!!!

PASSION!
POSSESSION!
POSITION!

THE MIND IS LIKE AN APE!!!

...drunk.

Crossing the Line

2005-02-15T18:19:00.000-06:00

As all of you loyal readers out there know, Ann Cunter is not one of Billy Blog Bob's favourite "journalists". However, the latest article that this piece of shit wrote is way, way over the line. The article was about a Native American professor, Ward Churchill, who wrote an article regarding the fact that those in the WTC on 9/11 could perhaps be looked at an angle other than that of poor innocent folks who were murdered without provocation. I think that anyone who thinks or dissects world politics or history would probably agree with Mr. Churchill's assessment and not make like a whacked-out, right-wing nutjob and take his arguments completely out of context. But alas, we live in a world of ignorant fools who would rather believe that woman came from Adam's rib than what science has proven. Anyway, the title of Ms. Cunter's article was

THE LITTLE INJUN THAT COULD.

I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!
Where is the outrage?! Remember all of those Republican fuckheads who said that Democrats were being racist in their assessment of Condi Rice? Oh, shit, I'm sorry, they are silent on this one. Well, Yahoo printed this fucked-up, cokehead asshole's story, so I wrote this e-mail to them. Again, I wait with baited breathe for a response:

I want to report abuse by Yahoo for allowing this article by Ann Coulter to be published on Yahoo's website. The title of the article was THE LITTLE INJUN THAT COULD. Anyone who is living and breathing knows that this is a deeply offensive and racist title to an article. What if someone had written an article entitled LITTLE BLACK SAMBO CAN DO. Or JOSE THE WET-BACK GETS ACROSS. Yahoo has a duty to provide news and views that are free of hate speech. Yahoo has dropped the ball here big time. I urge Yahoo to print an apology and a retraction and cancel Ms. Coulter's columns from it's pages. I look forward to a response to this e-mail.

For Your Consideration

2005-02-10T13:11:00.000-06:00

A great story in the NY Times today: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/10/politics/10terror.html?ex=1265778000&en=ae66933cccc7a4f2&ei=5089&partner=rssyahoo

But you know what, had Dick & W Inc. not refused to make this here little humdinger public it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. The fact that they fucked up, big time, and 9/11 occurred on their watch, just doesn't matter to 51 percent of American voters. Those fools would still have voted for reduced education funding for their children, sending their jobs overseas and shifting the majority of the tax burden onto themselves because of their sheep-like nature and their hatred of women and gays.
God bless America.

Signs

2005-02-08T21:07:00.000-06:00

I don't know about yins, but I've seen quite a few bumper stickers that say "What Would Jesus Do". Just saw one tonight while I was pickin' up my computatin' machine. It brought to mind a country song that I'd heard before, and it's really quite funny. I also think that it's a helluva lot more appropriate. Here is the best verse:

You know sometimes I wonder when I ain't gettin' nowhere
What would old Willie do when it all gets too much to bear
And I can see him on his lonely old tour bus
And he's got his problems just like any of us
Well he'd just take a deep breath and then he'd let it all go
And he'd take another deep breath and let it all go
And he'd take another deep breath...and he'd hold it
Ah and I bet he'd feel hungry in a way that seems strange
Yeah hungry for all the things that he just can't change
Like the time he passed out in is own bedroom
And his wife sewed him up in the sheets and beat him with a broom and he forgave her
And you think that's rough, well then the IRS came and they took away all of his stuff
They took his golf course and his recording studio, and he just went out and did another show
So when it's all coming down on you
You better ask yourself what would Willie do

Yessiree, sometimes when you find yourself in a bit of a pickle, you just gotta ask yourself:
Now, what would ol' Willie Nelson do?

Nuttin'

2005-02-08T20:38:00.000-06:00

Finally got me computer back today. It had a virus and some malicious spy-ware on it. Nothing worked, no applications and definitely not the oh-so-necessary Internet Explorer. The tekkies over there at CompUSA seem to have fixed it. It sucked to part with the $100 bucks, but it was worth it.
My ma came for a way-too-long visit. Did a lotta things, but when she finally left yesterday, the visit's expiration date had long since passed.
Lookin' forward to a long road trip next week throughout the South. I'm drawing up plans for a nice Billy Blog Bob photojournal of the trip and if I can figure it out, I'll post some pitchers on this here site.
W released his budget. Many programs are to be cut including subsidies to Amtrak, assuming that portion of it passes. But why wouldn't it? W could take a big doody at the Lincoln Monument and decree that from that day forward, the day would have to be memorialized as W Doodies on Lincoln Day and there would be no opposition in sight. The children would love it, for they would receive a day off from school. Those folks who work for local, state and national governmental institutions and all bank employees would get a day off from work. Anyway, I used to really enjoy the Amtrak. I took it regurlarly from Toledo, OH to Minneapolis, MN during my college years. Had me some good times on the Amtrak. Did a lotta drinkin' with many different folks and even got a handjob from some strange chica one time under the Amtrak-issued blanket.
Amtrak, I will miss you.

Pitchfork

2005-01-28T11:18:00.000-06:00

I was just inspired by my good ol' buddy over at www.dannydoom.com to send this here e-mail to the staff at Pitchfork www.pitchforkmedia.com today.

Haven't checked out the site in quite some time, but I must say, you guys really fucked it up. I liken it to when Spin was a cool mag, way back when, and then they went and got all hi-glossed and corporate. Also, knock off the frivolous bullshit at the beginning of every review and get down to business. No one cares that the writer supposedly listened to the Pixies when he/she was four years old and was therefore cooler than everyone else. No what I'm sayin'?

Perhaps the staff here at Billy Blog Bob will alert me to a response from these wankers sometime soon and I will gladly publish it. It's not like other e-mails sent to such luminaries as Michael Powell. We may just hear from those indie rock nerds...

Get Out the Vote!

2005-01-27T15:12:00.000-06:00

Let's see. Pretend for a sec, just a sec, that it's 11/1/04. Your local voting commission, or whatever it may be called, informs you that you will not know where your polling place is until it's time to vote. What! You say. Sheeeeit! That's not democracy.
Whoa, Nellie, hold your horses, it gets better. Not only will you be unaware of where to vote, now here's the kicker, you won't even know for whom to vote!!!! Uh, isn't it a voter's responsibility to research the candidates and determine whether or not said candidate will most closely resemble one's own political views? (I know, I know, that's clearly not what goes on in America as the presidential election clearly showed, but I'm speaking in hypotheticals here) Wouldn't you wanna know if the guy you're voting for supports honor killings or turning on the electricity, getting some potable water for your children and mabybe getting you a job with a living wage, or more than likely, is a puppet of the occupying forces? I sure would. So that's democracy? Huh.
Thanks, W. Now I know.

Why Does There Have to Be a Title!!??

2005-01-27T13:10:00.000-06:00

Kinda depressing and dreary day. Rain, rain go away...

SUVs on train tracks, dead guys breathing in the morgue, what else... I dunno, sheeit.

I received some good movers from Netflix. For all of you loyal readers out there who have not yet signed up for the Netflix, do it now. www.netflix.com. It's a great service! Yes, Blockbuster also has such a service, if you like your movers censored and you wanna support a whacked-out right-wingin' corporation, that's on you. Of course, who's to know what we are supportin' when we Americans go out and buy, buy, buy and buy some more! I was surprised to find that Starbucks, a corp. that I really don't like, is a blue corporation and is therefore, supportable. www.buyblue.com. Although, McCoffee still gives me a bad feelin' and all of the stooooopid yuppies who spend $150 bucks there a month are not to be associated with.
Eh, whatever. What can you do? We do not live in a democracy afterall, we live in a corporate capitalist society.

I'm Fucking Fat!

2005-01-26T15:28:00.000-06:00

After being dismissed,

A New York court revived part of a class-action lawsuit blaming fast-food chain McDonald’s for making people fat, reinstating claims relating to deceptive advertising.

Uh, okay:

The suit by four teenage girls from the Bronx was filed in 2002, claiming the food chain deceived customers about its products and failed to display nutritional information prominently enough.

And McDonald's response:

"Common sense tells you this particular case makes no sense”, adding the ruling “simply delays the inevitable conclusion that this case is without merit”.

Gotta go with Mickey D's on this one. I guess these girls ate at the joint 3-5 times a week. Okay, if you're eating at McDonald's that much, and you don't know that you are eating shit, I believe that McDonald's would be wholly within it's bounds to file a frivolous suit of it's own. They should sue these girls for stupidity, lack of common sense, possessing the attitude that everything is someone else's fault and for having money-grubbing, worthless parents. If you truly wanna punish McDonald's, stop eating their shitburgers, get off your ass and learn to make a living for yourself!!!
Damn you is dumb!

Rice Approved!

2005-01-19T14:16:00.000-06:00

It's official. Today the Senate Foreign Relations Committee approved the nomination of Jerry Rice to be secretary of state. Mr. Rice will be the first black NFL football player to hold this most esteemed and beloved-by-the-world position. When notified of the news at his San Francisco home, Mr. Rice had this to say, "Sheeeit!, I'm just as qualified as anyone to be the secretary of state! That last fool we had was a frikkin' eunuch who didn't do shit but lay down, roll over and get stuck in the ass!!! I'm the best wide receiver the NFL has ever seen. I know a thing or two about Weapons of Mass Destruction. Me and Joe, back in the eighties, now that was a fuckin' WMD, know what I'm sayin'? Course, then there was Steve Young and me, a combo of the most lethal of yellow cake that never existed!!!" When Mr. Rice was reminded that he would need to learn how to lie his ass off, give up any and all interest in sex and beat himself up in the face to more resemble his closest opponent for the job, Condi Rice, Mr. Rice stated "Huh? What? Maybe I'll decline, I just don't know if I could wish to be W's wife, either. Ahhh, fuck it! Get outta my house!"

What!!!???

2005-01-18T14:44:00.000-06:00

According to Harper's magazine, a four-legged, anus-less, double-penised baby was born in Nigeria on January 14.
Welcome to the world, buddy!!!

Monday

2005-01-10T11:21:00.000-06:00

Hi there loyal readers! Billy Blog Bob is a day late and a dollar short on this one, but is happy to announce that CNN came to its senses and dismissed that bow-tied dickhead, Tucker Carlson. But never fear, the stupidity will continue over at MSNBC where they are looking to place the man/child in a prime-time news (such as it is) program.

"We think Tucker is a great journalist and we're exploring our options for a new 9 p.m. show," said MSNBC's Jeremy Gaines.

Uh, if Tucker Carlson is a journalist, then I'm a carrot. I wonder if Dick & W Inc. will pay the jackass $240,000 to mention it's super-secret (at least to ignorance voters and cable news viewers) program to gather all of the oil in one place before the Chinese become too powerful, have too many cars and have pirated everything ever created.
Sheeit! You wouldn't have to pay Mr. Carlson to do that, he'd do it for free!
And what of Scarborough Country, that idyllic land where the white folks frolic and the blacks remain in their place working in the fields? Isn't that the same time slot? What a dilemma for MSNBC programming execs!

The Elections

2005-01-06T09:40:00.000-06:00

We here at Billy Blog Bob are aware of the inconsistencies, the fraud and the general air of bullshit that surrounded this past presidential election. The attitude around the office has been pervaded by a general sense of loss, apathy and resignation, until now. The Ohio situation does pose some interesting questions; how did the presence of voter machines, manufactured by Diebold, a corporation whose head is an avowed Dick & W Inc. supporter, affect the outcome of the election? Was the placement of said machines in precincts heavily populated by minority and working class voters deliberate? Did the long lines and confusion that the machines created distort the outcome of the election? Was this intended by Diebold, the manufacturer of the machines? If one were to put on their waders and sift around through the muck, they most likely would find that the answer to all of the above questions is a resounding yes. One of the staffers brought to the attention of your humble narrator a piece by the most honorable, spitting in the salads of white persons aside, although many white persons deserve to have their salads spit in, Reverand Jesse Jackson. Rev. Jackson stated that one Congressman, Mr. John Conyers, is going to object to the counting of the Ohio electoral vote. Jesse also believes that John Kerry should assert his leadership by standing by the objection and demand a debate in Senate. Jesse, my brother, that ain't a gonna happen! It would be nice and gottdam prudent, however. The staff here find it curious that, considering the upcoming elections in Iraq, should they occur, Dick & W Inc. want to bring democracy to the Middle East but they cannot secure it here in the good ol' U.S. of motherfukkin' A. We need a revolution! Blood should be let! Rev. Jackson thinks that "a constitutional amendment to guarantee the right to vote for all Americans" should be enacted. Uh, no. All Americans, as evidenced by the presidential elections, are not smart enough to vote and therefore, should not be allowed to do so. Billy Blog Bob proposes that an intelligence test be required before every vote to include a current events section, a portion that requires that individuals identify three local beers and a section on the Scopes Monkey Trial. All sections will be weighted evenly. Shit, where are we goin' with this? Hopefully back to the people! That's where, motherfuckers!

Today's Birthdays

2005-01-04T14:16:00.000-06:00

I'd like to wish a happy 45th birthday to the creatively, but certainly not financially, bankrupt lead singer of R.E.M., Mr. Michael Stipe.
Hang it up!!
Please!!

Happy New Year

2005-01-03T22:16:00.000-06:00

It may be a little late in coming, but we here at Billy Blog Bob would like to wish the vast contingent of loyal 3BOpera readers a Happy New Year!
I had one helluva weekend. Went and did some camping at Possum Kingdom Lake on Fri. night. We were terrified by coyotes and screech owls all night and awed by the kazillions of stars. I must say, I've become quite urbanized over the last few years, must get back to nature this year...
Sat. watched an excellent Rose Bowl game and went out and did a little bar hopping all night. We utilized the fire pit out back, as well. I'm quite proud of the fire pit.
Yesterday, your humble narrator took the strongest hit of X ever seen in these here parts. WHEW! I forgot what that shit was like! I used to be quite the X afficiando at one time, but gradually lost interest in it. That shit is powerful, boy, I mean powerful! It's hard work!
Dick & W Inc. NLC finally upped the American contribution to 350 million for the Tsunami victims. Is this administration finally listening to those it serves? Ah heck! That's just wishful thinking. It's still a fraction of the dollars being wasted in Iraq every day.

HOLY SHIT!!!

2004-12-30T14:21:00.000-06:00

Conversation overheard on Monday afternoon at a certain ranch in Crawford, TX:

White House flunky: Mr. President, there seems to have been some sort of natural disaster over in Asia and parts of Africa wherein 25,000 people have been killed. You need to make some sort of statement that befits the leader of the "free" world.

W: Huh, what. Can't you see I'ma clearin' brush here boy?! It's work, a lotta hard work! Leave me alone! I'm on vacation for chrissakes! Oh heck, boy. They got any oil over there?

White House flunky: Uh, no sir. Indonesia, Sri Lanka and India have little to no oil reserves and pose no real threat to Dick & W Inc.'s market share.

W: Ah, shit. I dunno. Send 'em 15 million bucks or something. That outta shut 'em up. What does Dick say?

White House flunky: I'll find out and get back to you, sir.

Wednesday - Press conference given from a makeshift trailer in Crawford, TX:

W: Uh, uh, the uh, American people are a humanimaton nation, we believe in being helpful to those in need. Dick & W Inc., after much political fallout from our initial offering, have decided to offer those browned-skinned-no-oil-having-godless-fuckers the sum of 35 million dollars to assist them in their time of grave need. I feel very benifulikant bestowing upon those folks the amount that I spend in Iraq in seven hours and half the amount that our non-cooperating Spaniards, who, may I remind you, have a fraction of the economy that we do, are providing. Good Day and God Bless. No questions. I'm on vacation fer chrissakes!!

Bald Eagle

2004-12-20T13:31:00.000-06:00

I saw something on Saturday that I'll never forget. I went and did a little fishing on Lake Hawkins just outside the huge metropolis of Hawkins, TX in East Texas. I didn't catch shit. But I did get to see a pair of Bald Eagles. They are big-ass birds! We were able to use the trolling motor to get pretty close to one of them. It eventually took off. What a wingspan! While it was in the air, it was at this perfect angle for the sun to light it up in such a way that you could clearly see it's coloration. The beak is really yellow and the black and white contrast a lot more than I would have thought. It then soared around in an arc and dove right down onto the water. The bird's talons came out for just an instant and it snagged a fish! Quite a thing to see. It was really fast. The stoned fuckers I was with were completely awestruck, as was your humble narrator.

W's World

2004-12-20T13:29:00.000-06:00

This morning I awoke at 10:30am to find my feet being annointed with crude Saudi petroleum by thirty beautiful Evangelical Christian maidens. I was then carried on my litter to the Candyland where I pranced around whilst licking the most scrumptious cocoa-canes that mommy Laura has ever provided. My, was I geeked! Pretty soon, however, the CEO of Dick & W Inc. NLC, Dick, ruined my good mood. He informed me that play time was over, and it was time to start plotting the overthrow of the evil Iranamagoogles kingdom. We worked hard, I mean, it's HARD WORK, for one WHOLE hour, until thankfully, it was time for the servants to spoon feed me my Gerbers bananna-type-stuff.
Oh, how I love my Gerbers bananna-type-stuff. They make it not too far away at a chemical plant in New Jersey and all the babies in all the land love their Gerbers food-type concoctions!
It was now time for my daily briefing with Condi, my self-loathing minority assistant and sometime lover, on how things were going with the catastrophic success in Evil Iraqamagosh. Condi reported that 1300 troops have now perished, though that's hard to believe since I've never seen any of them, and that things were going as planned, although I don't remember being included in any plan. Was there a plan?! Who knows. Who cares. Certainly not 51 percent of the American voters! That's for sure! I have to remember to give thanks to the Lord for this:
Dear Lord,
Thank you for delivering me the power over a nation of idiots wherein just over half of them care for nothing more than cheap Saudi petroleum and prefab Chinese-made goods and hate women and gays.
Amen.
Condi reported that Dick & W Inc. NLC were in full control of the petroleum and would be able to forestall the continuing encroachment of the slant-eyed Chinamadoodies on Dick & W Inc.'s market share for perhaps another twenty years. Condi assured me that by that time, we would either be safely in our graves or blissfully slobbering all over ourselves in the absence of stem-cell research and on our way to the permanent Candyland in the sky. I made her do the cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die oathe to make sure after I caught her crossing her fingers behind her back.
Next it was off to meet with Rummy. About what I'm not sure, for little W was getting cranky and it was nearly time for my afternoon nap. He just seemed to lecture me in that patronizing and hateful way of his and I was really tuckered out!
As I drifted off to sleep, I had a horrible nightmare in which homos chased me around demanding to be married. I assured them that my pursuit of the gay marriage amendment was merely an election-time ploy to appease the ignorant, uneducated denizens of rural and inner-city America and that I had already forgotten all about it!
I awoke sweating and shaking, but mommy Laura was there with more cocoa-cane to soothe me.
Thankfully, it was time to look at some pictures on the TV to prepare for my next trip abroad. Lawrence of Arabia is a favorite, it has taught me about the evil brown-skinned masses in the middle East. I also enjoy Driving Miss Daisy as it has taught me how to understand the colored folks. And Master and Commander taught me all I needed to know about Tony Blair and those icky Brits.
But I digress. After my disastrous trip to Canada, little W has to be prepared! Thankfully, the US media did it's usual candy-assed coverage of my continuing adventures and remains prostrate at my feet.
Whew! What an exhausting day. Have you seen me lately? I look twenty years older than I did when Daddy's Supreme Court appointed me VP of Operations for Dick & W Inc. NLC.
It's hard! A lot of HARD WORK!

Rummy & the Continuing Saga in Iraq

2004-12-20T13:22:00.000-06:00

I believe he's doing a really fine job.

- W: VP of Operations, Dick & W Inc. NLC

I find it astounding. ... Things are worse than they've ever been.

- Senator Chuck Hagel: REPUBLICAN Nebraska

Enough said.

Bernard Kerik

2004-12-17T13:17:00.000-06:00

Not quite sure what to make of this whole story. Dick & W Inc. NLC wanted this guy to be the new Homeland Security chief, I guess, but things didn't quite turn out the way they wanted, did they? For once!
Why is there an uproar over the failure to properly "vet" this guy? Why is anyone surprised that they'd float this guy out there for consideration? Yeah, the guy was bangin' some publishing magnate broad on the side, has friends who are goombahs and did God knows what else. So what?
You gotta keep in mind what the philosophy of Dick & W Inc. NLC is. These guys lied their asses off about Saddam Hussein and Iraq. They've sent thirteen hundred American troops to their deaths, injured thousands and murdered one hundred thousand Iraqis. The cost of this war is something like 141 billion dollars and more every day. Then W goes and gives the highest civilian medal to three of the key players in the whole mess! And you know what? They've gotten away with all of it! 51 percent of the American voters don't care! So doesn't it follow logically that an adulterous slime ball could be the head of Homeland Security? No one's gonna care, are they?
This guy's small potatoes compared to the rest of the shit goin' on people!

Getrunken

2004-12-17T13:15:00.000-06:00

I met a fellow from Berlin last night in town on business. His name was Tomas. Our conversation eventually steered to the expected topics. He said that the war is a "political situation" and that Germans do not judge the folks of America for it. He did say that it was a mess and with an air of good old fashioned German superiority, he relayed that he is quite proud that his country did not fall in to the bullshit being shovelled out by Tony Blair and Dick & W Inc. NLC. He also said that the Germans were not surprised that Dick & W Inc. NLC were reinstated to rule the world, because, while Germans do not blame Americans for the war, he said that the citizens of this great land are pretty much regarded as fools by the rest of the world. I told him that they are pretty much regarded as such by many of us subjects of Dick & W Inc. NLC, as well.
I can't say that I cared a whole lot for Tomas. He certainly thought that his shit didn't stink, but it was interesting to hear his viewpoints anyway.
One of my ol' lady's friends went home with him. I'm sure she only got some drunken bratwurst for her troubles. Oh, well.

Quite Pertinent

2004-12-17T11:38:00.000-06:00

Since others I know post song lyrics that they feel are relevant to their thoughts, feelings or what is goin' on around them, we here at Billy Blog Bob thought it was time to get in on the act. Here is a great Johnny Cash song that is particularly pertinent:

There once was a musical troupe A pickin' singin' folk group They sang the mountain ballads And the folk songs of our land They were long on musical ability Folks thought they would go far But political incompatibility led to their downfall

Well, the one on the right was on the left And the one in the middle was on the right
And the one on the left was in the middle And the guy in the rear was a Methodist

This musical aggregation toured the entire nation Singing the traditional ballads And the folk songs of our land They performed with great virtuosity And soon they were the rage But political animosity prevailed upon the stage

Well, the one on the right was on the leftAnd the one in the middle was on the right And the one on the left was in the middle And the guy in the rear burned his driver's license

Well the curtain had ascended A hush fell on the crowd As thousands there were gathered to hear The folk songs of our land But they took their politics seriously And that night at the concert hall As the audience watched deliriously They had a free-for-all

Well, the one on the right was on the bottom And the one in the middle was on the top And the one on the left got a broken arm And the guy in the rear, said, "Oh dear"

Now this should be a lesson if you plan to start a folk group Don't go mixin' politics with the folk songs of our land Just work on harmony and diction Play your banjo well And if you have political convictions keep them to yourself

Now, the one on the left works in a bank And the one in the middle drives a truck The one on the right's an all-night deejay And the guy in the rear got drafted